My friends talk of being zapped
lasers and all that...
It's all I can wonder is this real?
Or is it some other past?
They talk of lasers and being punished
like it is some bad thing
to clear the face of every trace
is quite all right by me!
There's a lot of truth in traces
and the feeling we see
in other's faces
but so much of me is here
and so much of me is inside what you see!
So though we are always wondering
we are always finding
ways to move forward
ways to reverse the fears
and ways to move on ahead!
For two genders diverged in a yellow wood
sadly I could not travel either
but the one I choose
makes me feel loose
and opens my mind to the blue yonder!
As the Goddess smiles and makes me aware
so I feel it is my place
to be here
and be myself
and let my hair down and be me!!
What would fortunes be without animosity?
Would they be currents
or else some strange being
that being odd scribes
a circle of longing dignity?
What do we see when we wait
and hope for the very best?
Is it much more
Than evening the score?
And is it something to newly admire?
So though the paths may twist and turn
Our paths may make a one-eighty...
We are all prisoners
Until we set ourselves free
And... THAT...will last an eternity!!
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Saturday, May 21, 2011
The Day After....
So there's this cool dawn light that strikes after the supposed apocalypse. It's a bit odd. There's something about opening the doors to the Bastille after all the prisoners have escaped. It's a sense of irony.
Pardon any ramblings, I have been a bit under the weather...
Some have said today marked the end of days. But so far I guess that's been a bit of a disappointment. Oh well... I guess that's the way things go. But it gave me pause to share some thoughts on something deeper.
Space has the ability to rip itself and repair itself, it's part of the supersymmetric string theory. Stuff like that has always captured my thoughts.
You can read more about it here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Superstring_theory
You might ask why I am writing about this... what does it have to do with transgender, life, etc.? Well, more than you might suspect.
First let's take the element of our society that allow us to live in ignorance and fear. Being transgender means that girls, like me, must strive to work three times as hard to get even with people considered 'normal'. I am not "normal", but I am a real, legitamite human being.
But it's part of the greater mystery. As strings may explain and evolve the ultimate framework of our Universe, so the steps I begin to take will define who I am inside and make me whole. It's the steps I need to take. Physicists will tell you they need all sorts of experimental data to prove the Big Bang, the quantum theory, string theory, etc. I don't need so much 'data' but I need to be awakened really. Awakening is life and life begins when you can open up about being trans.
It's not about an open book you can just peek into and get the answers, but the answers are out there. It's not the feelings you hide away, it's the feelings you let go. It's about the sure feelings that will open you up, guide you and deliver you from feeling bad about yourself or who you are becoming.
I had a talk with a friend some short while ago and she convinced me to try dressing in girl jeans around my family. I decided that life is too short to waste waiting on the right moment and the right time. I have to give it a try once and well, what if it backfires?
So I tried and failed... I only failed them, not me. The theory of me still rings true. If I am pushed away and rejected I have me...and my friends...to guide me through. Will it hurt? Sure! Will it have consequences? Possibly. Will it redefine me? Yes!! Because I will not be living in the shadows and lying about me and who I am. I will not be dancing away from my true and inner self.
So it is with strings. They are miniscule, harbingers of multiple dimensions and so I am a harbinger of so many more dimensions to myself as well. It's who I am. Am I tightly wrapped knot of complex dimensions perhaps never to be seen?
Perhaps I am... it's hard to say. Bon Jovi said "I just want to live while I'm alive" and "this is for those who stood their ground" and I have to agree. This is the now and we have that now to propel us forward. Unwinding Samantha is like figuring out strings. It takes a lot of work but it will move me forward.
She is worthy of your friendship because she admires life and friendship and above all she is a friend to those who show her friendship. She is, I think, a worthy girl to know and be friends with. She respects life and humanity. She is above all that nonsensical hate and bigotry. Samantha is the most human being I know.
And yet she's still a recluse. Let me describe: There was a time a while ago when she was tied into a life she hated, being a recluse and ashamed of who she was. Like she was tied to all these hidden dimensions that didn't have much realistic meaning. So she liked female clothes, what did that really mean? She was trapped in the eye of her desire for something she never really realized was out there. She was trapped inside an existence she couldn't really comprehend. She was way out there and there was no way home.
Until one day...
Once upon a time, in the dawn of a transgendered woman's journey (cue Also Sprach Zarathrusta) she made a discovery. She could go to certain places and be happy and meet people who accepted her. She could meet new friends that would inspire her and help her to new heights. I guess she could say she was learning her 'grand unified theory' and she was becoming one.
Like the equations, nothing is ever easy or clear cut. Not everything is written in the stars. But maybe everything is written in our essential matter.
Was she real? Was she whole? In fact, just who was she?
In truth she was a scared little girl, afraid of what the larger Universe might throw at her and how it might end her life. Some have written how being unsure of yourself is unreal, unforgiving and wrong. I doubt there's any of us that have ever gone through life without some doubt, some anxiety, some angst. It's there amongst us, like the jeweled stars scattered across the velvet night.
Now it's a new day and the stars are put away for the night. It's time to awaken to your sense of personal enlightenment. It's your life to live - in the real world and among others who may or may not feel as you do. It's a tough battle to face.
There's this thunderous noise like the applause after hearing a beautifully played piece of music, it's almost deafening. It's the sound of all your thoughts finally settling a little and behaving themselves. It's the sound of a small step towards personal freedom.
The cold light of day is one thing, the hiding away is another. It's not who we should be. We should never have to accept living in fear and hiding away. We should never have to sacrifice our personal well being to be who we are. We should never appeal to insanity to save us. It's not what we are, nor who we should aspire to be.
There's an island, or a world, somewhere where we can exist without fear and without trepidation. It's a long shot to get there, but maybe we will, eventually, get there and find some peace and solace.
It's what I am hoping for. Maybe the superstring theory can make it more of a reality than just hoping and waiting. Maybe...
Peace out sisters! ♥ & hugs!! ~Samantha~
Pardon any ramblings, I have been a bit under the weather...
Some have said today marked the end of days. But so far I guess that's been a bit of a disappointment. Oh well... I guess that's the way things go. But it gave me pause to share some thoughts on something deeper.
Space has the ability to rip itself and repair itself, it's part of the supersymmetric string theory. Stuff like that has always captured my thoughts.
You can read more about it here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Superstring_theory
You might ask why I am writing about this... what does it have to do with transgender, life, etc.? Well, more than you might suspect.
First let's take the element of our society that allow us to live in ignorance and fear. Being transgender means that girls, like me, must strive to work three times as hard to get even with people considered 'normal'. I am not "normal", but I am a real, legitamite human being.
But it's part of the greater mystery. As strings may explain and evolve the ultimate framework of our Universe, so the steps I begin to take will define who I am inside and make me whole. It's the steps I need to take. Physicists will tell you they need all sorts of experimental data to prove the Big Bang, the quantum theory, string theory, etc. I don't need so much 'data' but I need to be awakened really. Awakening is life and life begins when you can open up about being trans.
It's not about an open book you can just peek into and get the answers, but the answers are out there. It's not the feelings you hide away, it's the feelings you let go. It's about the sure feelings that will open you up, guide you and deliver you from feeling bad about yourself or who you are becoming.
I had a talk with a friend some short while ago and she convinced me to try dressing in girl jeans around my family. I decided that life is too short to waste waiting on the right moment and the right time. I have to give it a try once and well, what if it backfires?
So I tried and failed... I only failed them, not me. The theory of me still rings true. If I am pushed away and rejected I have me...and my friends...to guide me through. Will it hurt? Sure! Will it have consequences? Possibly. Will it redefine me? Yes!! Because I will not be living in the shadows and lying about me and who I am. I will not be dancing away from my true and inner self.
So it is with strings. They are miniscule, harbingers of multiple dimensions and so I am a harbinger of so many more dimensions to myself as well. It's who I am. Am I tightly wrapped knot of complex dimensions perhaps never to be seen?
Perhaps I am... it's hard to say. Bon Jovi said "I just want to live while I'm alive" and "this is for those who stood their ground" and I have to agree. This is the now and we have that now to propel us forward. Unwinding Samantha is like figuring out strings. It takes a lot of work but it will move me forward.
She is worthy of your friendship because she admires life and friendship and above all she is a friend to those who show her friendship. She is, I think, a worthy girl to know and be friends with. She respects life and humanity. She is above all that nonsensical hate and bigotry. Samantha is the most human being I know.
And yet she's still a recluse. Let me describe: There was a time a while ago when she was tied into a life she hated, being a recluse and ashamed of who she was. Like she was tied to all these hidden dimensions that didn't have much realistic meaning. So she liked female clothes, what did that really mean? She was trapped in the eye of her desire for something she never really realized was out there. She was trapped inside an existence she couldn't really comprehend. She was way out there and there was no way home.
Until one day...
Once upon a time, in the dawn of a transgendered woman's journey (cue Also Sprach Zarathrusta) she made a discovery. She could go to certain places and be happy and meet people who accepted her. She could meet new friends that would inspire her and help her to new heights. I guess she could say she was learning her 'grand unified theory' and she was becoming one.
Like the equations, nothing is ever easy or clear cut. Not everything is written in the stars. But maybe everything is written in our essential matter.
Was she real? Was she whole? In fact, just who was she?
In truth she was a scared little girl, afraid of what the larger Universe might throw at her and how it might end her life. Some have written how being unsure of yourself is unreal, unforgiving and wrong. I doubt there's any of us that have ever gone through life without some doubt, some anxiety, some angst. It's there amongst us, like the jeweled stars scattered across the velvet night.
Now it's a new day and the stars are put away for the night. It's time to awaken to your sense of personal enlightenment. It's your life to live - in the real world and among others who may or may not feel as you do. It's a tough battle to face.
There's this thunderous noise like the applause after hearing a beautifully played piece of music, it's almost deafening. It's the sound of all your thoughts finally settling a little and behaving themselves. It's the sound of a small step towards personal freedom.
The cold light of day is one thing, the hiding away is another. It's not who we should be. We should never have to accept living in fear and hiding away. We should never have to sacrifice our personal well being to be who we are. We should never appeal to insanity to save us. It's not what we are, nor who we should aspire to be.
There's an island, or a world, somewhere where we can exist without fear and without trepidation. It's a long shot to get there, but maybe we will, eventually, get there and find some peace and solace.
It's what I am hoping for. Maybe the superstring theory can make it more of a reality than just hoping and waiting. Maybe...
Peace out sisters! ♥ & hugs!! ~Samantha~
Friday, May 20, 2011
Last Night of the World
So my friend Julie writes a post about the Ray Bradbury story 'Last Night of the World'. It caused me to do a lot of thinking, pondering and considering...what WOULD I do if this was the last day of the world?
I guess the most important thing in the whole scheme of what I would do is to first of all, just be me. I'm sure there would be blind panic, people rushing to be with their loved ones, family, partners, whomever they were close with. I'd have to just say that I'd need to take my time to put on my favorite top, corset, skirt and shoes and just go out. I'd probably call my sibling and tell them who I am, deep down. I would probably go to my parents as well. I'd come out knowing that tomorrow we'd not be here. Then I'd try to make it to my friends just because they have been the more wonderfully supportive people you can even know. Sadly I wouldn't be able to visit every one of them. :(
Of course that begets the question: what if it didn't happen?
If science can prove one thing, it can also prove others. There's that moment when things go from climactic panic to somber peace. When things arise in a new day and you take your first gasp of that stinging bitter cold air.
It would be a harsh thing to wake up expecting to be gone and you're still there. Maybe your makeup is slightly smeared from just not wanting to take it off, you might have a run in your pantyhose and hair's a mess. So be it. You are alive to take that gasp of air. The world is still there. Somehow it gives you a cheek-flushing moment: coming out was not the end of the world.
You know you have to face things differently in that case but you can face them with less fear than the hiding has filled you up with. You have less anxiety because you did something on your own that you can live with. You have to live with it. Perhaps you come to accept that as yourself, now the world knows you and you have to deal with that.
And one thing is for certain though, if it were, truly, the end of the world; as me I would be able to at least go dressed softly but to kill, showing off a little leg and being able to know that no matter how unhappy or fearful I have been in life, I am not living in that fear anymore. I have been released and emancipated from the self-imposed jail of fear I had given me.
The prison we sometimes lock ourselves in can be a damning place... worse than anything else you've imagined. There's a supreme beauty in being open about ourselves and living to accept that. I have cracked the walls of that prison but a full jailbreak hasn't happened. It's nice to see little glimmers of hope and dignity, of a happier and more self-assured woman within, dying to let her wings spread and her future to be in control of everything. She has the ways, the means and the power and with acceptance she can even learn the art of being happy.
Julie made me think of the book and think about what I would do if that was really the case. You know I'd never really thought this way before. Way way back in my space-faring days (yeah...right...LOL) I would consider such things but not in this way. Now it's different because, well, life changes the more you interact with it. Back then, I would hide a few pieces of clothes away because I was ashamed, alone and it felt to me like if anyone knew what was going on, it would be the end of the world... at least the end of MY world.
But as I grew older, grew wiser (perhaps) and grew out of that fearful shell I have found that it's now not a few items I fear to have found, I have more girl's clothes of all shapes and sizes, enough panties to keep myself happy for a month with a different style & color and a collection of accessories, makeup, brushes, etc. I am always happy to shop but I am more happy just to have the times I get to be me. That's such a good feeling.
Coming out is still a ways off for me - but I have the fear less and less, the uncertainty is less because I am more open about who I am and have gone out to where people truly care about each other and their friends. They inspire me to create new looks for myself, new fashions, even my first ever complete makeover (OMG I so want an airbrush for applying foundation...they are so cool!!)
So that being said, my last night of the world would be a rocking party. Samantha's time to shine because, let's be honest, she deserves it after being shut away in shame for so long!!
Peace & love sisters - and big hugs to all of you friends out there!
I guess the most important thing in the whole scheme of what I would do is to first of all, just be me. I'm sure there would be blind panic, people rushing to be with their loved ones, family, partners, whomever they were close with. I'd have to just say that I'd need to take my time to put on my favorite top, corset, skirt and shoes and just go out. I'd probably call my sibling and tell them who I am, deep down. I would probably go to my parents as well. I'd come out knowing that tomorrow we'd not be here. Then I'd try to make it to my friends just because they have been the more wonderfully supportive people you can even know. Sadly I wouldn't be able to visit every one of them. :(
Of course that begets the question: what if it didn't happen?
If science can prove one thing, it can also prove others. There's that moment when things go from climactic panic to somber peace. When things arise in a new day and you take your first gasp of that stinging bitter cold air.
It would be a harsh thing to wake up expecting to be gone and you're still there. Maybe your makeup is slightly smeared from just not wanting to take it off, you might have a run in your pantyhose and hair's a mess. So be it. You are alive to take that gasp of air. The world is still there. Somehow it gives you a cheek-flushing moment: coming out was not the end of the world.
You know you have to face things differently in that case but you can face them with less fear than the hiding has filled you up with. You have less anxiety because you did something on your own that you can live with. You have to live with it. Perhaps you come to accept that as yourself, now the world knows you and you have to deal with that.
And one thing is for certain though, if it were, truly, the end of the world; as me I would be able to at least go dressed softly but to kill, showing off a little leg and being able to know that no matter how unhappy or fearful I have been in life, I am not living in that fear anymore. I have been released and emancipated from the self-imposed jail of fear I had given me.
The prison we sometimes lock ourselves in can be a damning place... worse than anything else you've imagined. There's a supreme beauty in being open about ourselves and living to accept that. I have cracked the walls of that prison but a full jailbreak hasn't happened. It's nice to see little glimmers of hope and dignity, of a happier and more self-assured woman within, dying to let her wings spread and her future to be in control of everything. She has the ways, the means and the power and with acceptance she can even learn the art of being happy.
Julie made me think of the book and think about what I would do if that was really the case. You know I'd never really thought this way before. Way way back in my space-faring days (yeah...right...LOL) I would consider such things but not in this way. Now it's different because, well, life changes the more you interact with it. Back then, I would hide a few pieces of clothes away because I was ashamed, alone and it felt to me like if anyone knew what was going on, it would be the end of the world... at least the end of MY world.
But as I grew older, grew wiser (perhaps) and grew out of that fearful shell I have found that it's now not a few items I fear to have found, I have more girl's clothes of all shapes and sizes, enough panties to keep myself happy for a month with a different style & color and a collection of accessories, makeup, brushes, etc. I am always happy to shop but I am more happy just to have the times I get to be me. That's such a good feeling.
Coming out is still a ways off for me - but I have the fear less and less, the uncertainty is less because I am more open about who I am and have gone out to where people truly care about each other and their friends. They inspire me to create new looks for myself, new fashions, even my first ever complete makeover (OMG I so want an airbrush for applying foundation...they are so cool!!)
So that being said, my last night of the world would be a rocking party. Samantha's time to shine because, let's be honest, she deserves it after being shut away in shame for so long!!
Peace & love sisters - and big hugs to all of you friends out there!
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Past Lives Flashing...?
About 2 weeks ago I had this semi-conscious dream - well, I am not sure it was a dream. I opened my eyes to snooze the alarm and as I drifted off into a semi-sleepy state I had this brazen vision.
It was very simple. In my eyes I saw a rapid succession of male faces almost as if they were prior lives. This succession continued for a bit (how long I can't really tell you) but as the alarm went off again the last 'face' I saw was of a young woman.
Now that brings me to two questions: First, was it my past lives flashing before me and showing me what was what? Or was it just a semi-lucid dream? I know I wasn't dreaming in the true sense as I could still feel some physical sensations.
Was it my transgnder being trying to make me 'wake up' and be seen? Was it my mind trying to identify with what I was feeling? Or was I just in the half-dreamland and it was all my imagination?
Since I was somewhat aware, and not totally up on brain physiognomy, I might mis-identify this but it sure was comforting and REAL to me. I had a 'moment', I guess.
It seemed to me as if a succession of male persona's were appearing, ghostly and ethereal, but appearing nonetheless. as parts of me. Some wore mustaches and beards. But the last was a deliciously smooth-skinned girl, very different because she was so tender, so smooth and so pretty.
Was it my mind trying to tell me I was a succession of male ideas but the last idea was that the woman was there all along? Was it just my addled, confused mind in a semi-conscious stupor that said one thing and portrayed another? Was it me seeing something I am not?
Now the womanly image that appeared was nothing like me, dark hair with rounded cheeks, a slightly diamond shaped face and a very youthful appearance. Much younger than I am :(
Was this pretty woman me in a past life? Why would I see a succession of male faces and then hers for no reason. It wasn't a dream, not totally, since I was partially conscious and aware of it. Perhaps it was a dream...who is to say? The girl at the end was unique, she was unlike the male faces that had proceeded her, she was very feminine and mysterious despite she was the last 'face' I saw. I felt she was the most real to me, some semblance of what the real me could be.
But I would say she is 100 times better looking and a million times more passable.
But who is she?
Scientists reckon situations like this as ways for our subconscious to have a voice, to air it's "dirty laundry". Was my inner mind airing that after a string of male 'ideals' the last was totally and truly female? Or was it that I was just seeking some validity, some truth to life that would make me slightly more 'acceptable'?
It's not really for me to truthfully say. Things move so fast sometimes, you imagine that one thing is happening so slowly that when the rapid things happen your mind is ablaze and can't quite come to grips with things... Am I a woman who dreamed she was a man, or a man who dreamed she was a woman? Since going out more and more, I have had more and more lucid dreams, and more and more times I sensed that inner conflict being resolved in a feminine way...
At least when I woke up I still knew who I was! :)
It was very simple. In my eyes I saw a rapid succession of male faces almost as if they were prior lives. This succession continued for a bit (how long I can't really tell you) but as the alarm went off again the last 'face' I saw was of a young woman.
Now that brings me to two questions: First, was it my past lives flashing before me and showing me what was what? Or was it just a semi-lucid dream? I know I wasn't dreaming in the true sense as I could still feel some physical sensations.
Was it my transgnder being trying to make me 'wake up' and be seen? Was it my mind trying to identify with what I was feeling? Or was I just in the half-dreamland and it was all my imagination?
Since I was somewhat aware, and not totally up on brain physiognomy, I might mis-identify this but it sure was comforting and REAL to me. I had a 'moment', I guess.
It seemed to me as if a succession of male persona's were appearing, ghostly and ethereal, but appearing nonetheless. as parts of me. Some wore mustaches and beards. But the last was a deliciously smooth-skinned girl, very different because she was so tender, so smooth and so pretty.
Was it my mind trying to tell me I was a succession of male ideas but the last idea was that the woman was there all along? Was it just my addled, confused mind in a semi-conscious stupor that said one thing and portrayed another? Was it me seeing something I am not?
Now the womanly image that appeared was nothing like me, dark hair with rounded cheeks, a slightly diamond shaped face and a very youthful appearance. Much younger than I am :(
Was this pretty woman me in a past life? Why would I see a succession of male faces and then hers for no reason. It wasn't a dream, not totally, since I was partially conscious and aware of it. Perhaps it was a dream...who is to say? The girl at the end was unique, she was unlike the male faces that had proceeded her, she was very feminine and mysterious despite she was the last 'face' I saw. I felt she was the most real to me, some semblance of what the real me could be.
But I would say she is 100 times better looking and a million times more passable.
But who is she?
Scientists reckon situations like this as ways for our subconscious to have a voice, to air it's "dirty laundry". Was my inner mind airing that after a string of male 'ideals' the last was totally and truly female? Or was it that I was just seeking some validity, some truth to life that would make me slightly more 'acceptable'?
It's not really for me to truthfully say. Things move so fast sometimes, you imagine that one thing is happening so slowly that when the rapid things happen your mind is ablaze and can't quite come to grips with things... Am I a woman who dreamed she was a man, or a man who dreamed she was a woman? Since going out more and more, I have had more and more lucid dreams, and more and more times I sensed that inner conflict being resolved in a feminine way...
At least when I woke up I still knew who I was! :)
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Am I Beautiful?
Or am I grossly mistaken...?
I have certain aspects of my life that ARE beautiful and they surround me like the softest satin. My two best friends are so supremely beautiful, as friends, as a support group and always being honest with me. They build me up so much and if I didn't have them in my life, life would be so much more shallow. And hollow. And not worth a hoot.
Of course, there are others I know that are very precious to me, Cathy, Robin, Erica, Jamie, Lana and so many more. I have met so many on this confused journey across a sea of stars to find our place in this cosmos. I sense Carl Sagan zooming about, somewhere, in his 'Ship of the Imagination'. :)
But...am I beautiful?
Sure, as a person I see things one way... I treat people well, I respect life and dignity and I don't fault anyone else, even if they sometimes fault me. I just am here... I am awake to myself and I feel like after a cup of coffee, some warm homemade bread and a little chat we are all good again. Another night is over, a new day is dawning!
But as elusive as happiness can be, I often ask a question... how is it that others see me? As Robert Burns has said “Oh wad some power the giftie gie us To see oursel's as others see us! It wad frae monie a blunder free us, And foolish notion” In other words, should we be so foolish to see ourselves in one light and in reality we are something else?
Some look on Vivaldi as a great composer, some look on him as a red-headed priest. Some would say that Copernicus was a flailer at science, others would say he was a pinnacle of modern thinking. Newton may have never had an apple fall on his head, but such aspirations led him to carve the light of modern science. And there are so, so, many more...
So, let's get back to the basic formula... Me=Beautiful? Is this a true or false statement?
Let's attack this logically one step at a time:
Do I see myself as beautiful when I am out en femme? TRUE
Do I feel more open and happy with myself? TRUE
Am I ashamed of how I have grown (with support from my wonderful friends)? FALSE
Am I uncertain of the future? TRUE
Do I feel dichotomous at times, like living in two existences is wont to do? TRUE
As the sun crosses the sky, will Samantha appear again? TRUE
Would you let others feelings about you restrain you or hold you in? FALSE
...although analyzing the last sentence has aspects of truth and falsehood in it. I feel like I want to say it is FALSE, FALSE, FALSE... but a tiny gnawing section of me says it might be TRUE. After all, who wants to be made fun of and gawked at out in public as if they are a joke? Certainly not I! And certainly my friends I would never tolerate that either! After all, this is about ALL of us, right?
It's a pale light and an eldritch life that stretches afore us,
like so many pallid dreams of what is to come;
and should we dream, or dare, desire of higher things,
we will face the oncoming onslaught of the gun.
Some opulent moment can be defined:
Some opulence is wrought in silver
and some is wrought in gold
we seek out support on a journey
and we desire a hand to hold!
Future's break and future's decide our fate
-- is it too late?
Perhaps it can be, will be, should be
--but it's not to late for me!
As golden hair spills from the temple
as delightful earrings pull to the ground
we should never despair...
for we are wholesome all around!
Past indiscretion and past discretion include
--what will not intrude?
And what will the silent night show us
--we are worthy of that trust!
So opulence should be what we show it to be
and what we would feel it should say
Is there life beyond this de rigeur?
And should it appear as bright as day?
Hearts wrought of silver and not of gold
--are plain as we see them - behold!
Hearts wrought of gold are so much more
--they are where the love is wanted for!
OK so as you go forward with your beliefs, prove to me that I am not mistaken in mine...
~Sammie
I have certain aspects of my life that ARE beautiful and they surround me like the softest satin. My two best friends are so supremely beautiful, as friends, as a support group and always being honest with me. They build me up so much and if I didn't have them in my life, life would be so much more shallow. And hollow. And not worth a hoot.
Of course, there are others I know that are very precious to me, Cathy, Robin, Erica, Jamie, Lana and so many more. I have met so many on this confused journey across a sea of stars to find our place in this cosmos. I sense Carl Sagan zooming about, somewhere, in his 'Ship of the Imagination'. :)
But...am I beautiful?
Sure, as a person I see things one way... I treat people well, I respect life and dignity and I don't fault anyone else, even if they sometimes fault me. I just am here... I am awake to myself and I feel like after a cup of coffee, some warm homemade bread and a little chat we are all good again. Another night is over, a new day is dawning!
But as elusive as happiness can be, I often ask a question... how is it that others see me? As Robert Burns has said “Oh wad some power the giftie gie us To see oursel's as others see us! It wad frae monie a blunder free us, And foolish notion” In other words, should we be so foolish to see ourselves in one light and in reality we are something else?
Some look on Vivaldi as a great composer, some look on him as a red-headed priest. Some would say that Copernicus was a flailer at science, others would say he was a pinnacle of modern thinking. Newton may have never had an apple fall on his head, but such aspirations led him to carve the light of modern science. And there are so, so, many more...
So, let's get back to the basic formula... Me=Beautiful? Is this a true or false statement?
Let's attack this logically one step at a time:
Do I see myself as beautiful when I am out en femme? TRUE
Do I feel more open and happy with myself? TRUE
Am I ashamed of how I have grown (with support from my wonderful friends)? FALSE
Am I uncertain of the future? TRUE
Do I feel dichotomous at times, like living in two existences is wont to do? TRUE
As the sun crosses the sky, will Samantha appear again? TRUE
Would you let others feelings about you restrain you or hold you in? FALSE
...although analyzing the last sentence has aspects of truth and falsehood in it. I feel like I want to say it is FALSE, FALSE, FALSE... but a tiny gnawing section of me says it might be TRUE. After all, who wants to be made fun of and gawked at out in public as if they are a joke? Certainly not I! And certainly my friends I would never tolerate that either! After all, this is about ALL of us, right?
It's a pale light and an eldritch life that stretches afore us,
like so many pallid dreams of what is to come;
and should we dream, or dare, desire of higher things,
we will face the oncoming onslaught of the gun.
Some opulent moment can be defined:
Some opulence is wrought in silver
and some is wrought in gold
we seek out support on a journey
and we desire a hand to hold!
Future's break and future's decide our fate
-- is it too late?
Perhaps it can be, will be, should be
--but it's not to late for me!
As golden hair spills from the temple
as delightful earrings pull to the ground
we should never despair...
for we are wholesome all around!
Past indiscretion and past discretion include
--what will not intrude?
And what will the silent night show us
--we are worthy of that trust!
So opulence should be what we show it to be
and what we would feel it should say
Is there life beyond this de rigeur?
And should it appear as bright as day?
Hearts wrought of silver and not of gold
--are plain as we see them - behold!
Hearts wrought of gold are so much more
--they are where the love is wanted for!
OK so as you go forward with your beliefs, prove to me that I am not mistaken in mine...
~Sammie
Sunday, March 27, 2011
This is distrurbing...
Once in a while something comes along that is truly and frighteningly wrong. And last night I came across it.
A woman went into a DMV in Salt Lake City to renew her driver's license. She was mocked, ridiculed and forced to remove her makeup and pull back her hair before they would take her picture. The employees and a supervisor made anti-transgendered slurs and laughed at her.
This is the sort of transphobic behavior that leads to violence and worse among the transgendered community. It festers and hides in corners and then it's like a plague, hard to eradicate until you've seen half the population wiped out. It's also something that should never, EVER be tolerated.
Aren't we in the land of the free? With liberty, and justice, for all?
Apparently not so free and not so much liberty for some.
Now I understand perhaps you are uncomfortable with a transitioning person, maybe it's against your religious beliefs. I can't fault you if you say 'someone else will be helping you'. I don't agree that religion should be tossing stones at others but we'll come to that some other time. These employees acted like 5 year olds and what's worse, the supervisor followed suit. And now it's gotten out there and there's been a furor about it. I suspect it's gone pretty viral at least in the TG community by now.
Thank goodness that the upside is a woman named Amber stood in the faces of these bigots and shouted them down. I half-wonder if they realized this wasn't going to end well, retreated to secluded spots and started polishing their resumes. After all, I'm sure a future employer would look at them (imagine if they had an interview with a transgendered boss) and say 'Why did you leave your last job?' 'Ummm... I was fired for making anti-transgendered slurs.' I can see the outcome... 'don't call us, we'll call you...but don't count on that happening either.'
I'm not entirely sure why people should need counseling, but I guess it's just the status quo. If you are the majority and you think you have the power, you exercise that power without thought or question. But then when you realize how little power you wield and how much power can be found by others to counteract your position, you suddenly feel small and under a microscope. Perhaps it is a learning experience for these jerks who feel it's somehow considered okay to treat another person, another human being like this. Let's rewind and watch a few disturbing and inhumane films on the Nazis and their death-camps so we can realize again about man's inhumanity to man and lessons learned about that absolute power DOES corrupt absolutely.
And they aren't even in any sort of power. So let's be reminded of the fact, even if you think you have power, chances are pretty good you don't. So wield your five-year-old type slurs and laughter, act like a toddler in need of a good spanking.
We wish you would grow up in your future endeavors.
Here's the link to the story: http://prideinutah.com/?p=10545
A woman went into a DMV in Salt Lake City to renew her driver's license. She was mocked, ridiculed and forced to remove her makeup and pull back her hair before they would take her picture. The employees and a supervisor made anti-transgendered slurs and laughed at her.
This is the sort of transphobic behavior that leads to violence and worse among the transgendered community. It festers and hides in corners and then it's like a plague, hard to eradicate until you've seen half the population wiped out. It's also something that should never, EVER be tolerated.
Aren't we in the land of the free? With liberty, and justice, for all?
Apparently not so free and not so much liberty for some.
Now I understand perhaps you are uncomfortable with a transitioning person, maybe it's against your religious beliefs. I can't fault you if you say 'someone else will be helping you'. I don't agree that religion should be tossing stones at others but we'll come to that some other time. These employees acted like 5 year olds and what's worse, the supervisor followed suit. And now it's gotten out there and there's been a furor about it. I suspect it's gone pretty viral at least in the TG community by now.
Thank goodness that the upside is a woman named Amber stood in the faces of these bigots and shouted them down. I half-wonder if they realized this wasn't going to end well, retreated to secluded spots and started polishing their resumes. After all, I'm sure a future employer would look at them (imagine if they had an interview with a transgendered boss) and say 'Why did you leave your last job?' 'Ummm... I was fired for making anti-transgendered slurs.' I can see the outcome... 'don't call us, we'll call you...but don't count on that happening either.'
I'm not entirely sure why people should need counseling, but I guess it's just the status quo. If you are the majority and you think you have the power, you exercise that power without thought or question. But then when you realize how little power you wield and how much power can be found by others to counteract your position, you suddenly feel small and under a microscope. Perhaps it is a learning experience for these jerks who feel it's somehow considered okay to treat another person, another human being like this. Let's rewind and watch a few disturbing and inhumane films on the Nazis and their death-camps so we can realize again about man's inhumanity to man and lessons learned about that absolute power DOES corrupt absolutely.
And they aren't even in any sort of power. So let's be reminded of the fact, even if you think you have power, chances are pretty good you don't. So wield your five-year-old type slurs and laughter, act like a toddler in need of a good spanking.
We wish you would grow up in your future endeavors.
Here's the link to the story: http://prideinutah.com/?p=10545
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Hair today, hair tomorrow too!
One thing I like to do, or should I say one thing I'd like to do, is mess around with my hair. I want to figure out what works best, for me and grow from there.
Note, I didn't say "go".
For myself, as I know it is for most girls I know, we grow. Everyday. I don't mean we go from an A to a B cup or our hips are curvier today than yesterday (goodness knows how lovely those would be though!)
No, I mean we grow and in that I mean we learn and ask questions about ourselves, we confide like sisters or women who know something where men often stand around wondering what we are talking about. And it's a good thing.
Many feminine aspects of humanity are shown by those who form close-knit, personal friendships with people we admire, respect and in some cases, love. We truly desire a moment alone with someone whom we can talk to, one on one, whispering about this, giggling about that. You name it.
I take my own appearance pretty seriously. I think that's one thing that separates the passable from the not-so-passable. I like to look at clothes that are distinctive and make me look sharp as much as maybe they flatter my legs a little more or they are a little more daring than I might like.
And I watch... all the time I am looking at girls thinking 'that could work for me' or 'no way would I wear that'. But my whole appearance boils down to one thing.
Hair.
I can't deny that I am searching for that truly perfect hairstyle that will flatter me, look natural and expressive, and really make me open up inside. I love looking at genetic women's hairstyles, liking some things and perhaps not others. After all, we girls can be so finicky. :)
After many years of soul-searching and such, I've landed on a lightish brown/red as being the best for me. A sort of roan color, not too long, but not too short. I like something that will help conceal the neck a bit and throw off lovely shades in the spotlights of clubs when I am out with my friends. But not something that makes me too self-conscious. And, of course, something I can play with demurely when the time is appropriate! :)
So the hunt continues for that perfect style... I am not quite ready to settle for one style quite yet, but I am close. I'd like to get a consistency and a familiarity, that will only help passing to the general public. I can't say for sure what the end will be, since the future's always in motion, but I have a lot of ideas, a bunch of awesomely terrific friends and the chance to open up and be me more, which will all lead to more and more terrific memories as the future unfolds.
Happy times sisters!! Love ya!
Note, I didn't say "go".
For myself, as I know it is for most girls I know, we grow. Everyday. I don't mean we go from an A to a B cup or our hips are curvier today than yesterday (goodness knows how lovely those would be though!)
No, I mean we grow and in that I mean we learn and ask questions about ourselves, we confide like sisters or women who know something where men often stand around wondering what we are talking about. And it's a good thing.
Many feminine aspects of humanity are shown by those who form close-knit, personal friendships with people we admire, respect and in some cases, love. We truly desire a moment alone with someone whom we can talk to, one on one, whispering about this, giggling about that. You name it.
I take my own appearance pretty seriously. I think that's one thing that separates the passable from the not-so-passable. I like to look at clothes that are distinctive and make me look sharp as much as maybe they flatter my legs a little more or they are a little more daring than I might like.
And I watch... all the time I am looking at girls thinking 'that could work for me' or 'no way would I wear that'. But my whole appearance boils down to one thing.
Hair.
I can't deny that I am searching for that truly perfect hairstyle that will flatter me, look natural and expressive, and really make me open up inside. I love looking at genetic women's hairstyles, liking some things and perhaps not others. After all, we girls can be so finicky. :)
After many years of soul-searching and such, I've landed on a lightish brown/red as being the best for me. A sort of roan color, not too long, but not too short. I like something that will help conceal the neck a bit and throw off lovely shades in the spotlights of clubs when I am out with my friends. But not something that makes me too self-conscious. And, of course, something I can play with demurely when the time is appropriate! :)
So the hunt continues for that perfect style... I am not quite ready to settle for one style quite yet, but I am close. I'd like to get a consistency and a familiarity, that will only help passing to the general public. I can't say for sure what the end will be, since the future's always in motion, but I have a lot of ideas, a bunch of awesomely terrific friends and the chance to open up and be me more, which will all lead to more and more terrific memories as the future unfolds.
Happy times sisters!! Love ya!
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