Monday, October 10, 2011

Feelings Change Course!

A short while ago I posted how I was missing something in my life, something I admitted was gone. Something never to be seen again. I didn't know what I was missing, I knew there was something that wasn't there. I filled my life with writing, music and dressing up and feeling that I was the mistress of my own destiny. I was the Queen of my own ship.

My how things change. In the last few weeks I became acquainted with a woman of incredible smarts and beauty and she changed my world. I wasn't that reclusive outcast anymore. I was pulled into a reality that showed me being better than who I thought I was.

My girl infatuates me. She writes to me as I would write to me. She showers me with sweet thoughts and compliments. She makes me feel beautiful and special no matter what. It's the kind of life I had only dreamed of before, yet that flower is blossoming.

I am her 'butterfly' and yesterday as I came home I was startled when I saw a small, bright moving shape out of the corner of my eye. I was startled for a moment but I smiled as I saw what it was, a bright and tender little yellow butterfly. I immediately thought of my girl and how she had made me happy whenever we write or talk and I thought "she sent me a butterfly when I needed it to remind me that I am her butterfly." It was a translational moment for me.

Of course my Princess deserves all the kudos, she worked me out from being a rather depressing, self-centered girl to being one who has unlimited boundaries. She calls me beautiful and sends kisses my way. I realize I only reflect the beauty in her soul and words, and I send kisses and music her way. We share a common bond, we know what makes each other happy and that is a wonderful thing.

I have known for a while that I would either pass away a spinster or that special someone who ride into my life, adorned as a Princess and Angel, who would love me for all my faults and frailty of beauty and forgive me should I not be 'full-time'. She would sweep me off my feet as I had swept her and I would be one with her heart just based on the words and comfort we have shared. After all, we have both been demonized by genetic gender and we both long to rip that shroud off, roll the obstacles away, and emerge and true ladies, fair of spirit and sweet of heart. I never thought I would find her.

I did.

My pulse pounds as my keys do typing this... thinking of her fills me with warm joys and joyous thoughts. I feel drawn to her like a moth to her flame, like a bee to her flower, like a butterfly to her orchid, like a small planetoid to her beautiful nebula. She has spread her gossamer beauty into my life, radiating my cheeks and my spirit, uplifting who I am and how I feel. She is a special Angel to me. She has saved me from giving up on love, femininity and the hope for the future.

I will continue to write her poetry and music as long as she lets me. But the fears of finding someone who can accept me as I am is lessened when I realize that she admires, embraces and loves that I am that part trans. She cannot wait to shower me with kisses and hugs and I can't wait to shower her with mine. She's made a different woman emerge these days that loves her friends so much more because this love that pours into me is so beautiful. I don't want to know love if her love is not the sign that my life has finally found a wonderful direction. She is my vast candle that lights me forward, even still slowly, but a guiding light nonetheless. She is my prettiest light and love.

And she has saved my feminine soul!!

Sunday, September 11, 2011

A tremendous turnaround...

A week ago, I was feeling pretty bleak. Miserable. I had spent time away which usually is a good thing. I was out with family and they 'clocked' a TG girl at a club we were at. I felt very small and uncomfortable. Truth be told, I felt like I was in her heels and I was getting clocked. I felt miserable thinking 'is that all anyone will ever see in me?'

Now a week later, despite the bleakness of the date today, I am back up and feeling happy again. I put it down to one word: FRIENDS.

It's a wonderful, enlightening thing to know people who pull out all the stops when you feel low and raise your spirits. Your self-awareness and self-acceptance should be top of the list. Don't criticize yourself like you may want to do. Instead ask 'what is good about me that I can make better?'. It's tough but until you start coming out to YOURSELF, you'll never be able to come out to others with confidence.

One of my friends reached out telling me I was her ray of sunshine... waking up with a muddled and hazy mind at 5 AM will do that to you...but as soon as I saw that message, I began to perk right up and glow. I didn't even need coffee!! After that as more friends talked to me, I began to see the bigger issue. It wasn't me that was at fault, but I WAS projecting that fault onto others and focusing it back to me. I was shutting Samantha away because I wasn't seeing what I wanted to see. It's a long story, but one most TG folks can attest to.

Suddenly I wanted to get back at it... I didn't want to be shut away like I was trying to convince myself. I felt there was a tremendous rush, like watching an 'It Gets Better' video and identifying with the messages of hope and support. I was still feeling a little trapped, but as the time went along I got more at ease with my own steps. I wanted to get dressed up, do my hair and try out new outfits. I went from being a recluse hating what I was to a girl who was starting to learn to accept herself. And love the fact that she had an incredibly long but ultimately fulfilling journey ahead of her. It was all on me now... and I was going to take it and run.

I have to say that without my friends backing me and showing an outpouring of love I might never have turned it around as I did. They knew that for me to throw away such freedoms and go back to being shackled to the old self was going to be self-destructive to me. And they were right. I realized all I was doing was hurting myself by not seeing a larger acceptance and larger possibilities I could not predict but I knew they were there the instant I felt them.

Sure, I have a long ways to go...don't we all? But once I started to open up and realize who I should be is better than who I am lying to myself that I am, all became much clearer and much more positive.

I LOVE my friends. This world would indeed be a bleak place without them. :)

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Human Contact

Did you ever have one of those moments where you just connected with someone and wanted to just spend time with them? Something they said rung true in your mind and you are drawn to this person on a deeper level than just the "Hi there? What's the good word?" kind of contact.

When that happened to me I just sort of curled up and wished really hard I could transport myself all the distance to just give them a huge hug and spend time with them. The thought of cuddling with another person struck a resonant chord, because after all this time I just wanted to feel that presence next to me, a person to share life and times with.

A person who understands what I am going through and is supportive.

So when this beautiful soul started talking about being tired of sleeping with no one and having no one around I immediately was like 'they are saying what I am feeling' - and that is a big difference It's like you have a magnet and metal, the closer you bring the two together the stronger the pull is. And when it gets really strong the jump happens. Forces pull the two together. When I saw what they were posting I was like 'I feel the same way!!' I reached out and offered as much soothing advice as I could.

It's a tough call this thing called human interaction. It's played by two people and it's really not fair for me to assume that this person would want to cuddle with me and chat over everything. I am projecting them feeling that they like me on them when they may not feel that way.

It's also reasonable to suppose that my feelings might not agree with what I imagine. The cuddling, human contact time is something we'd have to be able to easily share in order to move forward.

But is it wrong to want something, even though you'll probably never get it?

I look at it this way - it's not something I am so desperate that I will go to any extent to get it. Would I like it to happen? Definitely YES. But I have been a loner so long it's OK if it doesn't happen.

But there's part of me that's very sad - I want to share time and laughs with someone special. Curling up next to them, feeling the warmth of their body and the rhythm of their heart. The steady rush in and out of breath that is slow and measured, content to feel happy being with someone who admires and loves them. Someone who walks in the door and I've surprised them with flowers and a nice cooked meal. Someone special to be treated specially.

I feel I am waxing melancholy here, but the truth is, no matter how alone you think you can be, you can't (at least I can't) go it alone. Once you experience that joy it fires your mind in new directions, doing something for someone else and they just draw you into the deepest hug you can imagine. A merging of souls. Sweet lips press to your own and you are awash with golden light and stars. Breaths deepen as pulses quicken. Two bodies that act as one. The completion of the missing part of your heart.

Before I get too poetical or too raunchy :o) -- I just was trying to picture me in that role. It's very hard because the idea of cuddling is almost foreign to me. Coming home and seeing someone whom I can spill the days events to. Someone I can surprise and be surprised back. Someone who gets a thrill from touching my skin as I touch theirs. Someone who smiles and looks at me as attractive, even when I am not at my best. Someone who's not afraid to say 'I love you and I need you.' Someone who's an angel but can be a little devilish too.

I thought long and hard over this and I can't tell you how dreary it made me feel, and yet it wakened a sense of pride and longing in me. If one person, even if it is the remotest possibility, wanted me to share their life and we found the deepening sense of personal attraction, souls fitting together like pieces of a puzzle you never knew the full extent of, then that would be one more reason I need to carry on. I can't give up if there's even a ghost of a chance that I'll be able to find that special someone. And to just feel the affection of someone else who's leaning with you despite the distances involved, would be worth its weight in gold (preferably jewelry lol). I know it's probably always going to be a dream with me, but it's a pleasant dream.

As Muddy Waters said "I wants to be loved"

Until next time, fine readers... :)

Monday, August 29, 2011

Blessings Abound

Today was the aftermath, clean up from Hurricane/Tropical Storm Irene. A day of mixed blessings, lots of debris, folks without power, flooded streets and embankments and at the same point it was a day of dry air, a slight breeze and a cloudless azure sky overhead.

The oppression of the last few day was gone but so was the fear and nail-biting over what the outcome of having a gigantic Catherine-Wheel spinning a path of destructive power towards you nearly head on, releasing the energy equivalent of a 70 megaton bomb every 20 minutes. It was a tense period of time. The outcome was so uncertain - now it is over. A new day scrubbed squeaky clean by the large scouring pad that cleansed the atmosphere of all the nastiness. It's not the way I would choose to do it, a simple cold front followed by high pressure and drier air would have been entirely acceptable. But I wasn't asked so I didn't get to put in my two cents worth...

Today is a day, that for me had a second benefit. Although it marks passage of another year of living somewhat precariously on this world. Another swing of the Foucault Pendulum of life.

When I looked a little later I had suddenly amassed a ton of friends writing back to wish me a happy day and to make me smile. I blushed and made a vow to write each and every one back to thank them for being special. Their gifts of kindness, support and friendship are better than any gifts I could hope to receive. OK, maybe a beautiful necklace and a wonderful dress with ruffles and stately elegance... no, no... they truly are a gift from a great spirit.

I am often not thinking how thankful I am for all the lovely people in the trans community that reach out, selflessly, and give of themselves. It's a few minutes, a cozy chat or just sharing a link or song that makes you smile. Or showing off their own talents so that they can show the inner beauty they possess inside. Trans people have some of the most amazing talents I have ever seen. They give of themselves yet are humble and understanding of what they are going through.

I promise not to make this as long as other posts... but I had to post my feelings... today is doubly-blessed. First to have survived and seen the survival of, the wrath of nature and now witnessing her astounding beauty and seeing the astounding beauty in friends that eclipses anything I would ever hope for or imagine was possible. Today I feel loved and that love is truly even more miraculous than the gift of this amazing day. Days come and go, some good, some bad. But friends are treasures of untold worth. Every time you find them, they amaze and entrance you like nothing else. Days are fleeting things, but friendships are forever.

Blessings are truly bountiful today (and to be truthful, every day) with someone by your side to help you soar to the stars!!

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Not sure what is the matter with me...

I am never really 1 one-hundred percent sure what direction I want to go in and where I want to end up. It's one of those things that's hard to figure out.

So the other day I am browsing through some folders looking at the contents trying to figure out what certain things were. I started coming across a few folders of me dressing, very simply back in 2004. I found a few pictures and thought 'wow! Does that bring back memories!' I was sort of forgetting all the old days when I had very few clothes and just sort of bought impulsively.. I'd see something I liked on a girl and I would buy the closest thing I could get. I became a fan of Victoria's Secret. 2004 was not, of course, the first time I had dressed but it was the first time I'd had convenient means to take pictures. I'd done a few blurry and not so good photos with my SLR, but I didn't have a darkroom so I had to send them away to be developed, which always scared the be-jabbers out of me. Now having a semi-decent camera I began to document my dressing sessions. There weren't a lot, I did dress more than I documented in my pictures but it was a start.

2006 and 2007 were there as well but after getting a newer camera in 2008 the pictures started coming faster and more furiously. I was dressing up more and more - it seemed like every weekend I was dressing up and taking some photos. I had also gotten my first wigs, a brownish one and a short blonde bob. I started to buy more clothes looking for a more complete look, instead of a couple of pieces of lingerie and maybe a miniskirt or two. I was moving out of the realm of treating dressing as a fetish and more of treating it as comfortable. Feeling like I should have been born this way all along. Feeling better about myself and trying on new things. Completing looks instead of just grabbing a pair of nylons and a slip and biting my nails in fear of asking myself what was wrong with me.

Of course, now I know there was nothing wrong with me. But still I was living in a fantasy world unsure what to do and how to proceed. In 2008 things changed perspective and I saw growth of Samantha from a few hidden pieces of lingerie into a developing woman. It's just part of a journey, a growth phase. I went from a small box to keep things in to a large tub. Those tons of photos showed I was just growing and seeing something inside me I'd never realized was there. A woman started looking back at me, I thought.

In 2009 more things changed. I had a new job, and I started to get a little more free time than my prior company so I was able to once again have free weekends where I'd pull out more and more clothing and smile for the camera. Smiles started appearing with each time I dressed and felt complete. I found people who seemed like I did but mostly I hid and lurked, wondering whether it was going to turn bizarre. I also found a more 'social' type of site. I'd never posted a picture of myself before online, but I had to. I found a decent photo of myself in the short bob and added it. Now I was part of a community. A tiny part but there weren't a lot of folks on. I started to converse with other girls and shared more and more information. I started to feel safe and secure, after all it was a virtual realm. It was disconnected from me. No one and nothing happened anywhere near me.

Well, I was wrong as usual. At the end of 2009 I got invited to an 'get-together' where many people would be there. I was going to meet one of the speakers who founded the site I was on. I got really, really nervous and almost just said  forget it. I finally packed a suitcase and went. I stayed with two lovely ladies. I didn't really know what I was doing. Everyone said I looked great but let's face it, I looked terrible. But I had fun.

I met some incredible people, pre-op, post-op and some just like me, coming out for a good time and to enjoy themselves. I had never had that before. Time seemed to fly and then I was going out again, this time in Atlanta. I had a professional makeover and went out to real places and shopped like a real woman. I didn't have it nailed down but I did feel pretty decent.

But the photos dried up.

I had photos from the events but that was all.  A couple here and there but the frequency dropped. I became sullen - what was the matter with me?? When I had hidden in shame I was daring to dress as often as I could? When it was exciting and thrilling to feel feminine and sexy? Why had that dried up like, as the title of a Lorraine Hansberry plays says "a raisin in the sun"?

It dawned on me last night that the answer was not as repugnant as I thought. I was dressing for thrills and adventure. I wanted to dress for ME, to feel complete. Pulling on a pair of nylons and a short skirt weren't what I wanted to do. Even just wearing a bra and panties under male clothing felt cheap and wrong. If I didn't complete my transformation I felt like I shouldn't tempt myself at all. Perhaps just being in touch with feminine garments would make me too sad if I could not continue to compliment them. I didn't want to dress halfway, like leaving a job half done or a cup of spearmint tea half consumed. It felt like I was treating my sweet sister like trash.

Thinking it over last night and today I had to get my thoughts into some sense of order and the blog seemed to work for how I was thinking of things (it rambles but we all do that from time to time...). Now that I ponder it over more and more, the less I see those things that keep from being in touch with my femininity. I may not always like it not being complete but I love when those moments come that they are the shedding of a person I don't really know and understand and find solace in the facts that Samantha may be a plain and simple woman but she's there. So the thrills are gone... but the excitement is just getting started.

Thank you for taking the time out of your busy lives to read my little message! :)

Sunday, July 31, 2011

What does transition mean... to me?

Sometimes I have to wonder... Is it my life to keep on going and find these things out about myself or am I doomed to have a shadow, a person who's like me yet so unlike me that there's just nothing but confusion in the seas ahead? I often ask myself the question that I can't yet answer... what distance will I go? It does not have an easy answer.

It affects me sometimes to see my good friends who have made the jump to living full time and going on HRT. They see themselves as questioning what they were and embracing who they should be. Gender is not a black and white, this or that, life or death realm. It's extremely complex, hard to define and sullenly overwrought with complications. Some who have made their transition to complete womanhood tend to shun those who are uncertain of this path...uncertain what part of the road we got on at and where it all ends up. There's no map or GPS to guide you. All you have is what you feel inside and what help therapists and friends/family can provide. It's a very heart-wrenching journey because it's one you really have to make alone. No one else can or should tell you what to do or what your life means to them. It's all about your own decisions, your own accomplishments and your own desires.

Some people can't 'complete' the journey due to money, medical reasons, or other causes that their lives have given them. If you let it stop you then you probably feel a failure and despair. But it's not always the case with how I see it. I see it as you have challenges but it need not stop you from living as close to your dreams as you can. Take each day, one day at a time. The future can be just as bright if you realize that you don't have to go under the knife to be a woman. Each person's commitments, thoughts and situations define this. It's still your show and you are still the director and have the chance to make things happen.

Those that do 'go all the way' can often sense that they don't want to be seen with pre-ops because they might get 'clocked' (yes, sadly, I have heard this said before). That's part of the issue with the transgender community as a whole. We often are a house divided and it makes it hard to build a house when you have all the nails, but you don't have any wood. The TG community has to heal the rifts and come together. If you get 'clocked' about it, you still have to remember, much as you don't want to, that you started out somewhere in life which is not the place you are in now. I have a couple of dear friends who are post-op and they are still completely supportive and wonderful. But some, even those planning on it, can become overly critical of those who are not planning on it (or not for the forseeable future) - that is the hurtful part. Take off the clothes, the makeup, the wigs (if you need one) and bore right down the cellular level. You'll find that you and I and those 4 over there and the 2 climbing that mountain have one thing in common.

We are all human.

Now it's certainly true that humans are flawed and sometimes overly emotional creatures (raises hand) but the truth is that many of the LGBT community had to learn that in order to stand we need to stand together, hand in hand and ready to conquer what comes. A house that divides against itself will fall. Are we not yet seeing that victories like the recent passing of gay marriage in New York are because people rallied and stood together? They came in droves and pressed and walked proud. They got what they were seeking, but there is always more to do until we have full equality. Women and blacks were targets for the same unfair practices and inequality in earlier times. Now is the time for the LGBT movement to unify into one voice and not give sway. That is why the people that make up the TG community (be post-op, pre-op, casual crossdresser, etc.) need to unify and stand together.

I've heard it also said that a person who puts on a dress and some lipstick and leaves it at that is not really real and thus doesn't deserve the same rights (the so-called "Bathroom Bills" target this). I know of people who just want to be able, when dressed as their preferred gender, to be able to use the proper bathroom and not be harassed or arrested for it. If you go in, use the stall, freshen up your makeup and walk back out with perhaps just a compliment on another girl's dress or hair, it's all good. It's many who don't seem to understand that when you go out dressed as a man (for FTM friends) and as a woman (for MTF friends) it's not about what makes you stand out. It's about blending in. Blending and being conscious that you are in a realm where you are a guest is important. Don't become blind to it and say "I made it to the inner sanctum, the holy of holies, now I'm going to drop language like I'm home swilling Buds with the boys" kind of thing. Sadly, I've heard that happen as well.

Being true to yourself is just as important as being true to your family, friends, co-workers, etc. There's a level of trust and expectation there. It took you a while to realize who you are and who you should have been. Don't expect everyone to drop everything, nod and hug you and say "I saw it all along, honey. You were in there, you just took so long to come out and express it." Some people will say that. Others will withdraw and not know what to say. It's not ignorance, it's lack of education. The ignorant are the ones who laugh and scorn you and go out of your way to feel miserable or unwanted. I can tell you this right now... you ARE wanted!!

The truth is that transition is like a prism, it can just show some light or when conditions are just right break into the most beautiful array of pretty colors imaginable. It's all part of the progress we need to make. Sometimes the situations aren't ideal, but the best and most competent person to make those decisions is..guess who? YOU. You have the road to travel down. You'll have friends and family some will ride with you as far as you're going, others will drop off and take earlier exits. You'll get some that won't care and won't want to know what you are doing and will shun you and walk away. Building a tapestry of open-minded peers and friends is the true key to surviving this journey. It's not about how pretty you are, how many surgeries you think you will need or how many times you'll be called 'he' or 'sir' (or 'she' or ma'am' for FTM friends out there) before the whole prism turns just right and then things begin to emerge you never thought were there. It's part of who we all are, and we have all been through or are going through with it. Some people will make you mad and upset you, but even if you weren't transitioning that would be the case (some one who cuts you line, a driver who cuts you off, a friend that suddenly just stops being there and turning away from you, etc.). Bring this down to the least common denominator. You and they are human beings. We're flawed and sometimes ridiculously so, but we're essentially the same deep down at our core.

That's part of what transition means to me. More will come and more still further on as we see what we can be and how we will grow together. Transitioning is complicated and full of challenges, but it can be a wonderful time as well. It just depends on how you manage it.

And everyone, no matter who, goes through transitions in life. Be your best and be yourself, those keys will help you to unlock your own beautiful potential.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Even the little things...

It's been a long time since I was able to spend any time getting out to someplace where I could just break off the chunks of life I'm not comfortable with and replace them with better things. Breaking down the perceived 'guy' is easy, he disappears with an almost fluid ease. The guy is not fussy because, well... let's be honest he's a shell. A facade people got used to seeing without being able to get used to seeing who I am inside.

Of course, it's been no easy ride for my own inner self either.

I lived for so long feeling I was different, weird, strange. I figured I was sick and demented, even though I seemed to be pretty smart, show some aptitude for music and writing, feeling like perhaps I was just a little off. Now I'll tell you something. I didn't have the best childhood. I had parents that were pretty distant to my feelings and I often felt like I was hiding away all those moments when I wanted to cry. My father was worse because he "didn't like little kids". He has admitted that. He now will remind me that "we enjoy seeing you and want you to spend more time visitng us" but yet I did not get the same when I was a kid. Concerts, plays, even just going out to play catch would have been nice. Instead he'd just snarl and stomp off like a 5 year old. It was very cruel to my sensitive young persona, a persona I had not yet identified as being trans. I was feminine inside, I just could not express it at all. So there's the biggest hurdle I've had to face.

I don't want to wallow in that s*** and become depressed over it. Nah, not worth it. It's funny now I've got the control over visiting and it's plain to me that my friends are important to my growth as a person, not someone who once told me "children should be seen and not heard." Yeah... that s*** is still there, it still hurts me inside. It hurts my inner child.

So let's escape that drudgery, shall we? Once my inner child was soothed by knowing who she was, silently sitting there in the corner waiting in her cute little dress quietly whispering in my ear how she wanted to come out, how she wanted to play. But of course the years of being silenced had a hard toll on me... they left me fighting someone I should have embraced, I should have deeply loved... myself.

The truth was that no matter how I saw myself, I feared and hated it. I caught a glimpse of myself in panties and a slip and was like 'what the f*** is the matter with me? Why am I doing this?" But... I could NOT stop. At first it was a thrill, a bit of an escape and being someone else... she had a name, at first she was simply 'Freedom'. She looked like me but she was female, she had a better upbringing, she had a spark of life in her eyes and liked to smile and have her picture taken even. She was about the polar opposite of that 'guy'.

Years went by and I still just dabbled, my toes barely moist despite the vast ocean in front of me. I was afraid to get wet, to splash and play, but I did not stop either. It was too much to bear being away from her for long. She was always there, quietly nagging at me, quietly pushing me to put on a couple of women's items and feel good about myself.

I lived with a new fear, that someone would know, they would see me and ridicule me. Someone who would drag my inner woman out and rip her apart. My first time actually 'out' I was a different person. I started to smile more, I started to sit and chat with others like me. I'd found a safe haven to talk to other people who are just like me! And then the sky cleared and the sun began to shine when I met some of these wonderful people. They are the best friends anyone could have.

So this weekend I just put some clothes in a bag, drove away to seclusion and once I got the basics settled, I was modelling a skirt, two new blouses and snapping photos of myself non-stop. That 'guy' was totally absent. I sipped on some wine, put on my favorite mini and chatted with my lovely dear friends. It was so easy to go right into female mode. So natural.

If people ask me what made me realize I was transgendered, it was the fact that happiness comes so easy to me when I am out (even if in a secluded spot) able to wear what I want and be who I want. I don't want the Universe, I just would like respect. I'm no sex object, I don't have the body of a supermodel. But for years I felt ashamed of myself and my body. Now I look at Samantha, she smiles back at me. Her smile comes immediately. She doesn't need to be afraid of who she is. If you read this and understand (some of you will easily) then understand this about me as well:

Samantha is me and she is all I am.

She's survived with me all these years and now as she emerges, finally, the air feels different, the light seems brighter and the future a little less depressing. Samantha is no longer that girl waiting meekly in the back and the shadows. She is becoming more and more open, more and more accepting of her true feelings. The 'guy' is happy to let her come out. Maybe that guy isn't so bad after all.

But he's had his chance... now it's Samantha's turn to open her wings and soar to new heights. It's her chance to blossom and become. It's her turn to be incredible and smile to a world that had never seen how beautiful her smile and twinkling eyes can be,

And just that little span of time made me very happy!!