So there's this cool dawn light that strikes after the supposed apocalypse. It's a bit odd. There's something about opening the doors to the Bastille after all the prisoners have escaped. It's a sense of irony.
Pardon any ramblings, I have been a bit under the weather...
Some have said today marked the end of days. But so far I guess that's been a bit of a disappointment. Oh well... I guess that's the way things go. But it gave me pause to share some thoughts on something deeper.
Space has the ability to rip itself and repair itself, it's part of the supersymmetric string theory. Stuff like that has always captured my thoughts.
You can read more about it here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Superstring_theory
You might ask why I am writing about this... what does it have to do with transgender, life, etc.? Well, more than you might suspect.
First let's take the element of our society that allow us to live in ignorance and fear. Being transgender means that girls, like me, must strive to work three times as hard to get even with people considered 'normal'. I am not "normal", but I am a real, legitamite human being.
But it's part of the greater mystery. As strings may explain and evolve the ultimate framework of our Universe, so the steps I begin to take will define who I am inside and make me whole. It's the steps I need to take. Physicists will tell you they need all sorts of experimental data to prove the Big Bang, the quantum theory, string theory, etc. I don't need so much 'data' but I need to be awakened really. Awakening is life and life begins when you can open up about being trans.
It's not about an open book you can just peek into and get the answers, but the answers are out there. It's not the feelings you hide away, it's the feelings you let go. It's about the sure feelings that will open you up, guide you and deliver you from feeling bad about yourself or who you are becoming.
I had a talk with a friend some short while ago and she convinced me to try dressing in girl jeans around my family. I decided that life is too short to waste waiting on the right moment and the right time. I have to give it a try once and well, what if it backfires?
So I tried and failed... I only failed them, not me. The theory of me still rings true. If I am pushed away and rejected I have me...and my friends...to guide me through. Will it hurt? Sure! Will it have consequences? Possibly. Will it redefine me? Yes!! Because I will not be living in the shadows and lying about me and who I am. I will not be dancing away from my true and inner self.
So it is with strings. They are miniscule, harbingers of multiple dimensions and so I am a harbinger of so many more dimensions to myself as well. It's who I am. Am I tightly wrapped knot of complex dimensions perhaps never to be seen?
Perhaps I am... it's hard to say. Bon Jovi said "I just want to live while I'm alive" and "this is for those who stood their ground" and I have to agree. This is the now and we have that now to propel us forward. Unwinding Samantha is like figuring out strings. It takes a lot of work but it will move me forward.
She is worthy of your friendship because she admires life and friendship and above all she is a friend to those who show her friendship. She is, I think, a worthy girl to know and be friends with. She respects life and humanity. She is above all that nonsensical hate and bigotry. Samantha is the most human being I know.
And yet she's still a recluse. Let me describe: There was a time a while ago when she was tied into a life she hated, being a recluse and ashamed of who she was. Like she was tied to all these hidden dimensions that didn't have much realistic meaning. So she liked female clothes, what did that really mean? She was trapped in the eye of her desire for something she never really realized was out there. She was trapped inside an existence she couldn't really comprehend. She was way out there and there was no way home.
Until one day...
Once upon a time, in the dawn of a transgendered woman's journey (cue Also Sprach Zarathrusta) she made a discovery. She could go to certain places and be happy and meet people who accepted her. She could meet new friends that would inspire her and help her to new heights. I guess she could say she was learning her 'grand unified theory' and she was becoming one.
Like the equations, nothing is ever easy or clear cut. Not everything is written in the stars. But maybe everything is written in our essential matter.
Was she real? Was she whole? In fact, just who was she?
In truth she was a scared little girl, afraid of what the larger Universe might throw at her and how it might end her life. Some have written how being unsure of yourself is unreal, unforgiving and wrong. I doubt there's any of us that have ever gone through life without some doubt, some anxiety, some angst. It's there amongst us, like the jeweled stars scattered across the velvet night.
Now it's a new day and the stars are put away for the night. It's time to awaken to your sense of personal enlightenment. It's your life to live - in the real world and among others who may or may not feel as you do. It's a tough battle to face.
There's this thunderous noise like the applause after hearing a beautifully played piece of music, it's almost deafening. It's the sound of all your thoughts finally settling a little and behaving themselves. It's the sound of a small step towards personal freedom.
The cold light of day is one thing, the hiding away is another. It's not who we should be. We should never have to accept living in fear and hiding away. We should never have to sacrifice our personal well being to be who we are. We should never appeal to insanity to save us. It's not what we are, nor who we should aspire to be.
There's an island, or a world, somewhere where we can exist without fear and without trepidation. It's a long shot to get there, but maybe we will, eventually, get there and find some peace and solace.
It's what I am hoping for. Maybe the superstring theory can make it more of a reality than just hoping and waiting. Maybe...
Peace out sisters! ♥ & hugs!! ~Samantha~
No comments:
Post a Comment