Not sure what is the matter with me...

I am never really 1 one-hundred percent sure what direction I want to go in and where I want to end up. It's one of those things that's hard to figure out.

So the other day I am browsing through some folders looking at the contents trying to figure out what certain things were. I started coming across a few folders of me dressing, very simply back in 2004. I found a few pictures and thought 'wow! Does that bring back memories!' I was sort of forgetting all the old days when I had very few clothes and just sort of bought impulsively.. I'd see something I liked on a girl and I would buy the closest thing I could get. I became a fan of Victoria's Secret. 2004 was not, of course, the first time I had dressed but it was the first time I'd had convenient means to take pictures. I'd done a few blurry and not so good photos with my SLR, but I didn't have a darkroom so I had to send them away to be developed, which always scared the be-jabbers out of me. Now having a semi-decent camera I began to document my dressing sessions. There weren't a lot, I did dress more than I documented in my pictures but it was a start.

2006 and 2007 were there as well but after getting a newer camera in 2008 the pictures started coming faster and more furiously. I was dressing up more and more - it seemed like every weekend I was dressing up and taking some photos. I had also gotten my first wigs, a brownish one and a short blonde bob. I started to buy more clothes looking for a more complete look, instead of a couple of pieces of lingerie and maybe a miniskirt or two. I was moving out of the realm of treating dressing as a fetish and more of treating it as comfortable. Feeling like I should have been born this way all along. Feeling better about myself and trying on new things. Completing looks instead of just grabbing a pair of nylons and a slip and biting my nails in fear of asking myself what was wrong with me.

Of course, now I know there was nothing wrong with me. But still I was living in a fantasy world unsure what to do and how to proceed. In 2008 things changed perspective and I saw growth of Samantha from a few hidden pieces of lingerie into a developing woman. It's just part of a journey, a growth phase. I went from a small box to keep things in to a large tub. Those tons of photos showed I was just growing and seeing something inside me I'd never realized was there. A woman started looking back at me, I thought.

In 2009 more things changed. I had a new job, and I started to get a little more free time than my prior company so I was able to once again have free weekends where I'd pull out more and more clothing and smile for the camera. Smiles started appearing with each time I dressed and felt complete. I found people who seemed like I did but mostly I hid and lurked, wondering whether it was going to turn bizarre. I also found a more 'social' type of site. I'd never posted a picture of myself before online, but I had to. I found a decent photo of myself in the short bob and added it. Now I was part of a community. A tiny part but there weren't a lot of folks on. I started to converse with other girls and shared more and more information. I started to feel safe and secure, after all it was a virtual realm. It was disconnected from me. No one and nothing happened anywhere near me.

Well, I was wrong as usual. At the end of 2009 I got invited to an 'get-together' where many people would be there. I was going to meet one of the speakers who founded the site I was on. I got really, really nervous and almost just said  forget it. I finally packed a suitcase and went. I stayed with two lovely ladies. I didn't really know what I was doing. Everyone said I looked great but let's face it, I looked terrible. But I had fun.

I met some incredible people, pre-op, post-op and some just like me, coming out for a good time and to enjoy themselves. I had never had that before. Time seemed to fly and then I was going out again, this time in Atlanta. I had a professional makeover and went out to real places and shopped like a real woman. I didn't have it nailed down but I did feel pretty decent.

But the photos dried up.

I had photos from the events but that was all.  A couple here and there but the frequency dropped. I became sullen - what was the matter with me?? When I had hidden in shame I was daring to dress as often as I could? When it was exciting and thrilling to feel feminine and sexy? Why had that dried up like, as the title of a Lorraine Hansberry plays says "a raisin in the sun"?

It dawned on me last night that the answer was not as repugnant as I thought. I was dressing for thrills and adventure. I wanted to dress for ME, to feel complete. Pulling on a pair of nylons and a short skirt weren't what I wanted to do. Even just wearing a bra and panties under male clothing felt cheap and wrong. If I didn't complete my transformation I felt like I shouldn't tempt myself at all. Perhaps just being in touch with feminine garments would make me too sad if I could not continue to compliment them. I didn't want to dress halfway, like leaving a job half done or a cup of spearmint tea half consumed. It felt like I was treating my sweet sister like trash.

Thinking it over last night and today I had to get my thoughts into some sense of order and the blog seemed to work for how I was thinking of things (it rambles but we all do that from time to time...). Now that I ponder it over more and more, the less I see those things that keep from being in touch with my femininity. I may not always like it not being complete but I love when those moments come that they are the shedding of a person I don't really know and understand and find solace in the facts that Samantha may be a plain and simple woman but she's there. So the thrills are gone... but the excitement is just getting started.

Thank you for taking the time out of your busy lives to read my little message! :)