What does transition mean... to me?

Sometimes I have to wonder... Is it my life to keep on going and find these things out about myself or am I doomed to have a shadow, a person who's like me yet so unlike me that there's just nothing but confusion in the seas ahead? I often ask myself the question that I can't yet answer... what distance will I go? It does not have an easy answer.

It affects me sometimes to see my good friends who have made the jump to living full time and going on HRT. They see themselves as questioning what they were and embracing who they should be. Gender is not a black and white, this or that, life or death realm. It's extremely complex, hard to define and sullenly overwrought with complications. Some who have made their transition to complete womanhood tend to shun those who are uncertain of this path...uncertain what part of the road we got on at and where it all ends up. There's no map or GPS to guide you. All you have is what you feel inside and what help therapists and friends/family can provide. It's a very heart-wrenching journey because it's one you really have to make alone. No one else can or should tell you what to do or what your life means to them. It's all about your own decisions, your own accomplishments and your own desires.

Some people can't 'complete' the journey due to money, medical reasons, or other causes that their lives have given them. If you let it stop you then you probably feel a failure and despair. But it's not always the case with how I see it. I see it as you have challenges but it need not stop you from living as close to your dreams as you can. Take each day, one day at a time. The future can be just as bright if you realize that you don't have to go under the knife to be a woman. Each person's commitments, thoughts and situations define this. It's still your show and you are still the director and have the chance to make things happen.

Those that do 'go all the way' can often sense that they don't want to be seen with pre-ops because they might get 'clocked' (yes, sadly, I have heard this said before). That's part of the issue with the transgender community as a whole. We often are a house divided and it makes it hard to build a house when you have all the nails, but you don't have any wood. The TG community has to heal the rifts and come together. If you get 'clocked' about it, you still have to remember, much as you don't want to, that you started out somewhere in life which is not the place you are in now. I have a couple of dear friends who are post-op and they are still completely supportive and wonderful. But some, even those planning on it, can become overly critical of those who are not planning on it (or not for the forseeable future) - that is the hurtful part. Take off the clothes, the makeup, the wigs (if you need one) and bore right down the cellular level. You'll find that you and I and those 4 over there and the 2 climbing that mountain have one thing in common.

We are all human.

Now it's certainly true that humans are flawed and sometimes overly emotional creatures (raises hand) but the truth is that many of the LGBT community had to learn that in order to stand we need to stand together, hand in hand and ready to conquer what comes. A house that divides against itself will fall. Are we not yet seeing that victories like the recent passing of gay marriage in New York are because people rallied and stood together? They came in droves and pressed and walked proud. They got what they were seeking, but there is always more to do until we have full equality. Women and blacks were targets for the same unfair practices and inequality in earlier times. Now is the time for the LGBT movement to unify into one voice and not give sway. That is why the people that make up the TG community (be post-op, pre-op, casual crossdresser, etc.) need to unify and stand together.

I've heard it also said that a person who puts on a dress and some lipstick and leaves it at that is not really real and thus doesn't deserve the same rights (the so-called "Bathroom Bills" target this). I know of people who just want to be able, when dressed as their preferred gender, to be able to use the proper bathroom and not be harassed or arrested for it. If you go in, use the stall, freshen up your makeup and walk back out with perhaps just a compliment on another girl's dress or hair, it's all good. It's many who don't seem to understand that when you go out dressed as a man (for FTM friends) and as a woman (for MTF friends) it's not about what makes you stand out. It's about blending in. Blending and being conscious that you are in a realm where you are a guest is important. Don't become blind to it and say "I made it to the inner sanctum, the holy of holies, now I'm going to drop language like I'm home swilling Buds with the boys" kind of thing. Sadly, I've heard that happen as well.

Being true to yourself is just as important as being true to your family, friends, co-workers, etc. There's a level of trust and expectation there. It took you a while to realize who you are and who you should have been. Don't expect everyone to drop everything, nod and hug you and say "I saw it all along, honey. You were in there, you just took so long to come out and express it." Some people will say that. Others will withdraw and not know what to say. It's not ignorance, it's lack of education. The ignorant are the ones who laugh and scorn you and go out of your way to feel miserable or unwanted. I can tell you this right now... you ARE wanted!!

The truth is that transition is like a prism, it can just show some light or when conditions are just right break into the most beautiful array of pretty colors imaginable. It's all part of the progress we need to make. Sometimes the situations aren't ideal, but the best and most competent person to make those decisions is..guess who? YOU. You have the road to travel down. You'll have friends and family some will ride with you as far as you're going, others will drop off and take earlier exits. You'll get some that won't care and won't want to know what you are doing and will shun you and walk away. Building a tapestry of open-minded peers and friends is the true key to surviving this journey. It's not about how pretty you are, how many surgeries you think you will need or how many times you'll be called 'he' or 'sir' (or 'she' or ma'am' for FTM friends out there) before the whole prism turns just right and then things begin to emerge you never thought were there. It's part of who we all are, and we have all been through or are going through with it. Some people will make you mad and upset you, but even if you weren't transitioning that would be the case (some one who cuts you line, a driver who cuts you off, a friend that suddenly just stops being there and turning away from you, etc.). Bring this down to the least common denominator. You and they are human beings. We're flawed and sometimes ridiculously so, but we're essentially the same deep down at our core.

That's part of what transition means to me. More will come and more still further on as we see what we can be and how we will grow together. Transitioning is complicated and full of challenges, but it can be a wonderful time as well. It just depends on how you manage it.

And everyone, no matter who, goes through transitions in life. Be your best and be yourself, those keys will help you to unlock your own beautiful potential.

Even the little things...

It's been a long time since I was able to spend any time getting out to someplace where I could just break off the chunks of life I'm not comfortable with and replace them with better things. Breaking down the perceived 'guy' is easy, he disappears with an almost fluid ease. The guy is not fussy because, well... let's be honest he's a shell. A facade people got used to seeing without being able to get used to seeing who I am inside.

Of course, it's been no easy ride for my own inner self either.

I lived for so long feeling I was different, weird, strange. I figured I was sick and demented, even though I seemed to be pretty smart, show some aptitude for music and writing, feeling like perhaps I was just a little off. Now I'll tell you something. I didn't have the best childhood. I had parents that were pretty distant to my feelings and I often felt like I was hiding away all those moments when I wanted to cry. My father was worse because he "didn't like little kids". He has admitted that. He now will remind me that "we enjoy seeing you and want you to spend more time visitng us" but yet I did not get the same when I was a kid. Concerts, plays, even just going out to play catch would have been nice. Instead he'd just snarl and stomp off like a 5 year old. It was very cruel to my sensitive young persona, a persona I had not yet identified as being trans. I was feminine inside, I just could not express it at all. So there's the biggest hurdle I've had to face.

I don't want to wallow in that s*** and become depressed over it. Nah, not worth it. It's funny now I've got the control over visiting and it's plain to me that my friends are important to my growth as a person, not someone who once told me "children should be seen and not heard." Yeah... that s*** is still there, it still hurts me inside. It hurts my inner child.

So let's escape that drudgery, shall we? Once my inner child was soothed by knowing who she was, silently sitting there in the corner waiting in her cute little dress quietly whispering in my ear how she wanted to come out, how she wanted to play. But of course the years of being silenced had a hard toll on me... they left me fighting someone I should have embraced, I should have deeply loved... myself.

The truth was that no matter how I saw myself, I feared and hated it. I caught a glimpse of myself in panties and a slip and was like 'what the f*** is the matter with me? Why am I doing this?" But... I could NOT stop. At first it was a thrill, a bit of an escape and being someone else... she had a name, at first she was simply 'Freedom'. She looked like me but she was female, she had a better upbringing, she had a spark of life in her eyes and liked to smile and have her picture taken even. She was about the polar opposite of that 'guy'.

Years went by and I still just dabbled, my toes barely moist despite the vast ocean in front of me. I was afraid to get wet, to splash and play, but I did not stop either. It was too much to bear being away from her for long. She was always there, quietly nagging at me, quietly pushing me to put on a couple of women's items and feel good about myself.

I lived with a new fear, that someone would know, they would see me and ridicule me. Someone who would drag my inner woman out and rip her apart. My first time actually 'out' I was a different person. I started to smile more, I started to sit and chat with others like me. I'd found a safe haven to talk to other people who are just like me! And then the sky cleared and the sun began to shine when I met some of these wonderful people. They are the best friends anyone could have.

So this weekend I just put some clothes in a bag, drove away to seclusion and once I got the basics settled, I was modelling a skirt, two new blouses and snapping photos of myself non-stop. That 'guy' was totally absent. I sipped on some wine, put on my favorite mini and chatted with my lovely dear friends. It was so easy to go right into female mode. So natural.

If people ask me what made me realize I was transgendered, it was the fact that happiness comes so easy to me when I am out (even if in a secluded spot) able to wear what I want and be who I want. I don't want the Universe, I just would like respect. I'm no sex object, I don't have the body of a supermodel. But for years I felt ashamed of myself and my body. Now I look at Samantha, she smiles back at me. Her smile comes immediately. She doesn't need to be afraid of who she is. If you read this and understand (some of you will easily) then understand this about me as well:

Samantha is me and she is all I am.

She's survived with me all these years and now as she emerges, finally, the air feels different, the light seems brighter and the future a little less depressing. Samantha is no longer that girl waiting meekly in the back and the shadows. She is becoming more and more open, more and more accepting of her true feelings. The 'guy' is happy to let her come out. Maybe that guy isn't so bad after all.

But he's had his chance... now it's Samantha's turn to open her wings and soar to new heights. It's her chance to blossom and become. It's her turn to be incredible and smile to a world that had never seen how beautiful her smile and twinkling eyes can be,

And just that little span of time made me very happy!!

I feel like Darth Vader...yet I look like Yoda...please explain! :)

My friends talk of being zapped
lasers and all that...
It's all I can wonder is this real?
Or is it some other past?

They talk of lasers and being punished
like it is some bad thing
to clear the face of every trace
is quite all right by me!

There's a lot of truth in traces
and the feeling we see
in other's faces
but so much of me is here
and so much of me is inside what you see!

So though we are always wondering
we are always finding
ways to move forward
ways to reverse the fears
and ways to move on ahead!

For two genders diverged in a yellow wood
sadly I could not travel either
but the one I choose
makes me feel loose
and opens my mind to the blue yonder!

As the Goddess smiles and makes me aware
so I feel it is my place
to be here
and be myself
and let my hair down and be me!!

What would fortunes be without animosity?
Would they be currents
or else some strange being
that being odd scribes
a circle of longing dignity?

What do we see when we wait
and hope for the very best?
Is it much more
Than evening the score?
And is it something to newly admire?

So though the paths may twist and turn
Our paths may make a one-eighty...
We are all prisoners
Until we set ourselves free
And... THAT...will last an eternity!!