Did you ever have one of those moments where you just connected with someone and wanted to just spend time with them? Something they said rung true in your mind and you are drawn to this person on a deeper level than just the "Hi there? What's the good word?" kind of contact.
When that happened to me I just sort of curled up and wished really hard I could transport myself all the distance to just give them a huge hug and spend time with them. The thought of cuddling with another person struck a resonant chord, because after all this time I just wanted to feel that presence next to me, a person to share life and times with.
A person who understands what I am going through and is supportive.
So when this beautiful soul started talking about being tired of sleeping with no one and having no one around I immediately was like 'they are saying what I am feeling' - and that is a big difference It's like you have a magnet and metal, the closer you bring the two together the stronger the pull is. And when it gets really strong the jump happens. Forces pull the two together. When I saw what they were posting I was like 'I feel the same way!!' I reached out and offered as much soothing advice as I could.
It's a tough call this thing called human interaction. It's played by two people and it's really not fair for me to assume that this person would want to cuddle with me and chat over everything. I am projecting them feeling that they like me on them when they may not feel that way.
It's also reasonable to suppose that my feelings might not agree with what I imagine. The cuddling, human contact time is something we'd have to be able to easily share in order to move forward.
But is it wrong to want something, even though you'll probably never get it?
I look at it this way - it's not something I am so desperate that I will go to any extent to get it. Would I like it to happen? Definitely YES. But I have been a loner so long it's OK if it doesn't happen.
But there's part of me that's very sad - I want to share time and laughs with someone special. Curling up next to them, feeling the warmth of their body and the rhythm of their heart. The steady rush in and out of breath that is slow and measured, content to feel happy being with someone who admires and loves them. Someone who walks in the door and I've surprised them with flowers and a nice cooked meal. Someone special to be treated specially.
I feel I am waxing melancholy here, but the truth is, no matter how alone you think you can be, you can't (at least I can't) go it alone. Once you experience that joy it fires your mind in new directions, doing something for someone else and they just draw you into the deepest hug you can imagine. A merging of souls. Sweet lips press to your own and you are awash with golden light and stars. Breaths deepen as pulses quicken. Two bodies that act as one. The completion of the missing part of your heart.
Before I get too poetical or too raunchy :o) -- I just was trying to picture me in that role. It's very hard because the idea of cuddling is almost foreign to me. Coming home and seeing someone whom I can spill the days events to. Someone I can surprise and be surprised back. Someone who gets a thrill from touching my skin as I touch theirs. Someone who smiles and looks at me as attractive, even when I am not at my best. Someone who's not afraid to say 'I love you and I need you.' Someone who's an angel but can be a little devilish too.
I thought long and hard over this and I can't tell you how dreary it made me feel, and yet it wakened a sense of pride and longing in me. If one person, even if it is the remotest possibility, wanted me to share their life and we found the deepening sense of personal attraction, souls fitting together like pieces of a puzzle you never knew the full extent of, then that would be one more reason I need to carry on. I can't give up if there's even a ghost of a chance that I'll be able to find that special someone. And to just feel the affection of someone else who's leaning with you despite the distances involved, would be worth its weight in gold (preferably jewelry lol). I know it's probably always going to be a dream with me, but it's a pleasant dream.
As Muddy Waters said "I wants to be loved"
Until next time, fine readers... :)
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Monday, August 29, 2011
Blessings Abound
Today was the aftermath, clean up from Hurricane/Tropical Storm Irene. A day of mixed blessings, lots of debris, folks without power, flooded streets and embankments and at the same point it was a day of dry air, a slight breeze and a cloudless azure sky overhead.
The oppression of the last few day was gone but so was the fear and nail-biting over what the outcome of having a gigantic Catherine-Wheel spinning a path of destructive power towards you nearly head on, releasing the energy equivalent of a 70 megaton bomb every 20 minutes. It was a tense period of time. The outcome was so uncertain - now it is over. A new day scrubbed squeaky clean by the large scouring pad that cleansed the atmosphere of all the nastiness. It's not the way I would choose to do it, a simple cold front followed by high pressure and drier air would have been entirely acceptable. But I wasn't asked so I didn't get to put in my two cents worth...
Today is a day, that for me had a second benefit. Although it marks passage of another year of living somewhat precariously on this world. Another swing of the Foucault Pendulum of life.
When I looked a little later I had suddenly amassed a ton of friends writing back to wish me a happy day and to make me smile. I blushed and made a vow to write each and every one back to thank them for being special. Their gifts of kindness, support and friendship are better than any gifts I could hope to receive. OK, maybe a beautiful necklace and a wonderful dress with ruffles and stately elegance... no, no... they truly are a gift from a great spirit.
I am often not thinking how thankful I am for all the lovely people in the trans community that reach out, selflessly, and give of themselves. It's a few minutes, a cozy chat or just sharing a link or song that makes you smile. Or showing off their own talents so that they can show the inner beauty they possess inside. Trans people have some of the most amazing talents I have ever seen. They give of themselves yet are humble and understanding of what they are going through.
I promise not to make this as long as other posts... but I had to post my feelings... today is doubly-blessed. First to have survived and seen the survival of, the wrath of nature and now witnessing her astounding beauty and seeing the astounding beauty in friends that eclipses anything I would ever hope for or imagine was possible. Today I feel loved and that love is truly even more miraculous than the gift of this amazing day. Days come and go, some good, some bad. But friends are treasures of untold worth. Every time you find them, they amaze and entrance you like nothing else. Days are fleeting things, but friendships are forever.
Blessings are truly bountiful today (and to be truthful, every day) with someone by your side to help you soar to the stars!!
The oppression of the last few day was gone but so was the fear and nail-biting over what the outcome of having a gigantic Catherine-Wheel spinning a path of destructive power towards you nearly head on, releasing the energy equivalent of a 70 megaton bomb every 20 minutes. It was a tense period of time. The outcome was so uncertain - now it is over. A new day scrubbed squeaky clean by the large scouring pad that cleansed the atmosphere of all the nastiness. It's not the way I would choose to do it, a simple cold front followed by high pressure and drier air would have been entirely acceptable. But I wasn't asked so I didn't get to put in my two cents worth...
Today is a day, that for me had a second benefit. Although it marks passage of another year of living somewhat precariously on this world. Another swing of the Foucault Pendulum of life.
When I looked a little later I had suddenly amassed a ton of friends writing back to wish me a happy day and to make me smile. I blushed and made a vow to write each and every one back to thank them for being special. Their gifts of kindness, support and friendship are better than any gifts I could hope to receive. OK, maybe a beautiful necklace and a wonderful dress with ruffles and stately elegance... no, no... they truly are a gift from a great spirit.
I am often not thinking how thankful I am for all the lovely people in the trans community that reach out, selflessly, and give of themselves. It's a few minutes, a cozy chat or just sharing a link or song that makes you smile. Or showing off their own talents so that they can show the inner beauty they possess inside. Trans people have some of the most amazing talents I have ever seen. They give of themselves yet are humble and understanding of what they are going through.
I promise not to make this as long as other posts... but I had to post my feelings... today is doubly-blessed. First to have survived and seen the survival of, the wrath of nature and now witnessing her astounding beauty and seeing the astounding beauty in friends that eclipses anything I would ever hope for or imagine was possible. Today I feel loved and that love is truly even more miraculous than the gift of this amazing day. Days come and go, some good, some bad. But friends are treasures of untold worth. Every time you find them, they amaze and entrance you like nothing else. Days are fleeting things, but friendships are forever.
Blessings are truly bountiful today (and to be truthful, every day) with someone by your side to help you soar to the stars!!
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Not sure what is the matter with me...
I am never really 1 one-hundred percent sure what direction I want to go in and where I want to end up. It's one of those things that's hard to figure out.
So the other day I am browsing through some folders looking at the contents trying to figure out what certain things were. I started coming across a few folders of me dressing, very simply back in 2004. I found a few pictures and thought 'wow! Does that bring back memories!' I was sort of forgetting all the old days when I had very few clothes and just sort of bought impulsively.. I'd see something I liked on a girl and I would buy the closest thing I could get. I became a fan of Victoria's Secret. 2004 was not, of course, the first time I had dressed but it was the first time I'd had convenient means to take pictures. I'd done a few blurry and not so good photos with my SLR, but I didn't have a darkroom so I had to send them away to be developed, which always scared the be-jabbers out of me. Now having a semi-decent camera I began to document my dressing sessions. There weren't a lot, I did dress more than I documented in my pictures but it was a start.
2006 and 2007 were there as well but after getting a newer camera in 2008 the pictures started coming faster and more furiously. I was dressing up more and more - it seemed like every weekend I was dressing up and taking some photos. I had also gotten my first wigs, a brownish one and a short blonde bob. I started to buy more clothes looking for a more complete look, instead of a couple of pieces of lingerie and maybe a miniskirt or two. I was moving out of the realm of treating dressing as a fetish and more of treating it as comfortable. Feeling like I should have been born this way all along. Feeling better about myself and trying on new things. Completing looks instead of just grabbing a pair of nylons and a slip and biting my nails in fear of asking myself what was wrong with me.
Of course, now I know there was nothing wrong with me. But still I was living in a fantasy world unsure what to do and how to proceed. In 2008 things changed perspective and I saw growth of Samantha from a few hidden pieces of lingerie into a developing woman. It's just part of a journey, a growth phase. I went from a small box to keep things in to a large tub. Those tons of photos showed I was just growing and seeing something inside me I'd never realized was there. A woman started looking back at me, I thought.
In 2009 more things changed. I had a new job, and I started to get a little more free time than my prior company so I was able to once again have free weekends where I'd pull out more and more clothing and smile for the camera. Smiles started appearing with each time I dressed and felt complete. I found people who seemed like I did but mostly I hid and lurked, wondering whether it was going to turn bizarre. I also found a more 'social' type of site. I'd never posted a picture of myself before online, but I had to. I found a decent photo of myself in the short bob and added it. Now I was part of a community. A tiny part but there weren't a lot of folks on. I started to converse with other girls and shared more and more information. I started to feel safe and secure, after all it was a virtual realm. It was disconnected from me. No one and nothing happened anywhere near me.
Well, I was wrong as usual. At the end of 2009 I got invited to an 'get-together' where many people would be there. I was going to meet one of the speakers who founded the site I was on. I got really, really nervous and almost just said forget it. I finally packed a suitcase and went. I stayed with two lovely ladies. I didn't really know what I was doing. Everyone said I looked great but let's face it, I looked terrible. But I had fun.
I met some incredible people, pre-op, post-op and some just like me, coming out for a good time and to enjoy themselves. I had never had that before. Time seemed to fly and then I was going out again, this time in Atlanta. I had a professional makeover and went out to real places and shopped like a real woman. I didn't have it nailed down but I did feel pretty decent.
But the photos dried up.
I had photos from the events but that was all. A couple here and there but the frequency dropped. I became sullen - what was the matter with me?? When I had hidden in shame I was daring to dress as often as I could? When it was exciting and thrilling to feel feminine and sexy? Why had that dried up like, as the title of a Lorraine Hansberry plays says "a raisin in the sun"?
It dawned on me last night that the answer was not as repugnant as I thought. I was dressing for thrills and adventure. I wanted to dress for ME, to feel complete. Pulling on a pair of nylons and a short skirt weren't what I wanted to do. Even just wearing a bra and panties under male clothing felt cheap and wrong. If I didn't complete my transformation I felt like I shouldn't tempt myself at all. Perhaps just being in touch with feminine garments would make me too sad if I could not continue to compliment them. I didn't want to dress halfway, like leaving a job half done or a cup of spearmint tea half consumed. It felt like I was treating my sweet sister like trash.
Thinking it over last night and today I had to get my thoughts into some sense of order and the blog seemed to work for how I was thinking of things (it rambles but we all do that from time to time...). Now that I ponder it over more and more, the less I see those things that keep from being in touch with my femininity. I may not always like it not being complete but I love when those moments come that they are the shedding of a person I don't really know and understand and find solace in the facts that Samantha may be a plain and simple woman but she's there. So the thrills are gone... but the excitement is just getting started.
Thank you for taking the time out of your busy lives to read my little message! :)
So the other day I am browsing through some folders looking at the contents trying to figure out what certain things were. I started coming across a few folders of me dressing, very simply back in 2004. I found a few pictures and thought 'wow! Does that bring back memories!' I was sort of forgetting all the old days when I had very few clothes and just sort of bought impulsively.. I'd see something I liked on a girl and I would buy the closest thing I could get. I became a fan of Victoria's Secret. 2004 was not, of course, the first time I had dressed but it was the first time I'd had convenient means to take pictures. I'd done a few blurry and not so good photos with my SLR, but I didn't have a darkroom so I had to send them away to be developed, which always scared the be-jabbers out of me. Now having a semi-decent camera I began to document my dressing sessions. There weren't a lot, I did dress more than I documented in my pictures but it was a start.
2006 and 2007 were there as well but after getting a newer camera in 2008 the pictures started coming faster and more furiously. I was dressing up more and more - it seemed like every weekend I was dressing up and taking some photos. I had also gotten my first wigs, a brownish one and a short blonde bob. I started to buy more clothes looking for a more complete look, instead of a couple of pieces of lingerie and maybe a miniskirt or two. I was moving out of the realm of treating dressing as a fetish and more of treating it as comfortable. Feeling like I should have been born this way all along. Feeling better about myself and trying on new things. Completing looks instead of just grabbing a pair of nylons and a slip and biting my nails in fear of asking myself what was wrong with me.
Of course, now I know there was nothing wrong with me. But still I was living in a fantasy world unsure what to do and how to proceed. In 2008 things changed perspective and I saw growth of Samantha from a few hidden pieces of lingerie into a developing woman. It's just part of a journey, a growth phase. I went from a small box to keep things in to a large tub. Those tons of photos showed I was just growing and seeing something inside me I'd never realized was there. A woman started looking back at me, I thought.
In 2009 more things changed. I had a new job, and I started to get a little more free time than my prior company so I was able to once again have free weekends where I'd pull out more and more clothing and smile for the camera. Smiles started appearing with each time I dressed and felt complete. I found people who seemed like I did but mostly I hid and lurked, wondering whether it was going to turn bizarre. I also found a more 'social' type of site. I'd never posted a picture of myself before online, but I had to. I found a decent photo of myself in the short bob and added it. Now I was part of a community. A tiny part but there weren't a lot of folks on. I started to converse with other girls and shared more and more information. I started to feel safe and secure, after all it was a virtual realm. It was disconnected from me. No one and nothing happened anywhere near me.
Well, I was wrong as usual. At the end of 2009 I got invited to an 'get-together' where many people would be there. I was going to meet one of the speakers who founded the site I was on. I got really, really nervous and almost just said forget it. I finally packed a suitcase and went. I stayed with two lovely ladies. I didn't really know what I was doing. Everyone said I looked great but let's face it, I looked terrible. But I had fun.
I met some incredible people, pre-op, post-op and some just like me, coming out for a good time and to enjoy themselves. I had never had that before. Time seemed to fly and then I was going out again, this time in Atlanta. I had a professional makeover and went out to real places and shopped like a real woman. I didn't have it nailed down but I did feel pretty decent.
But the photos dried up.
I had photos from the events but that was all. A couple here and there but the frequency dropped. I became sullen - what was the matter with me?? When I had hidden in shame I was daring to dress as often as I could? When it was exciting and thrilling to feel feminine and sexy? Why had that dried up like, as the title of a Lorraine Hansberry plays says "a raisin in the sun"?
It dawned on me last night that the answer was not as repugnant as I thought. I was dressing for thrills and adventure. I wanted to dress for ME, to feel complete. Pulling on a pair of nylons and a short skirt weren't what I wanted to do. Even just wearing a bra and panties under male clothing felt cheap and wrong. If I didn't complete my transformation I felt like I shouldn't tempt myself at all. Perhaps just being in touch with feminine garments would make me too sad if I could not continue to compliment them. I didn't want to dress halfway, like leaving a job half done or a cup of spearmint tea half consumed. It felt like I was treating my sweet sister like trash.
Thinking it over last night and today I had to get my thoughts into some sense of order and the blog seemed to work for how I was thinking of things (it rambles but we all do that from time to time...). Now that I ponder it over more and more, the less I see those things that keep from being in touch with my femininity. I may not always like it not being complete but I love when those moments come that they are the shedding of a person I don't really know and understand and find solace in the facts that Samantha may be a plain and simple woman but she's there. So the thrills are gone... but the excitement is just getting started.
Thank you for taking the time out of your busy lives to read my little message! :)
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