Even the little things...

It's been a long time since I was able to spend any time getting out to someplace where I could just break off the chunks of life I'm not comfortable with and replace them with better things. Breaking down the perceived 'guy' is easy, he disappears with an almost fluid ease. The guy is not fussy because, well... let's be honest he's a shell. A facade people got used to seeing without being able to get used to seeing who I am inside.

Of course, it's been no easy ride for my own inner self either.

I lived for so long feeling I was different, weird, strange. I figured I was sick and demented, even though I seemed to be pretty smart, show some aptitude for music and writing, feeling like perhaps I was just a little off. Now I'll tell you something. I didn't have the best childhood. I had parents that were pretty distant to my feelings and I often felt like I was hiding away all those moments when I wanted to cry. My father was worse because he "didn't like little kids". He has admitted that. He now will remind me that "we enjoy seeing you and want you to spend more time visitng us" but yet I did not get the same when I was a kid. Concerts, plays, even just going out to play catch would have been nice. Instead he'd just snarl and stomp off like a 5 year old. It was very cruel to my sensitive young persona, a persona I had not yet identified as being trans. I was feminine inside, I just could not express it at all. So there's the biggest hurdle I've had to face.

I don't want to wallow in that s*** and become depressed over it. Nah, not worth it. It's funny now I've got the control over visiting and it's plain to me that my friends are important to my growth as a person, not someone who once told me "children should be seen and not heard." Yeah... that s*** is still there, it still hurts me inside. It hurts my inner child.

So let's escape that drudgery, shall we? Once my inner child was soothed by knowing who she was, silently sitting there in the corner waiting in her cute little dress quietly whispering in my ear how she wanted to come out, how she wanted to play. But of course the years of being silenced had a hard toll on me... they left me fighting someone I should have embraced, I should have deeply loved... myself.

The truth was that no matter how I saw myself, I feared and hated it. I caught a glimpse of myself in panties and a slip and was like 'what the f*** is the matter with me? Why am I doing this?" But... I could NOT stop. At first it was a thrill, a bit of an escape and being someone else... she had a name, at first she was simply 'Freedom'. She looked like me but she was female, she had a better upbringing, she had a spark of life in her eyes and liked to smile and have her picture taken even. She was about the polar opposite of that 'guy'.

Years went by and I still just dabbled, my toes barely moist despite the vast ocean in front of me. I was afraid to get wet, to splash and play, but I did not stop either. It was too much to bear being away from her for long. She was always there, quietly nagging at me, quietly pushing me to put on a couple of women's items and feel good about myself.

I lived with a new fear, that someone would know, they would see me and ridicule me. Someone who would drag my inner woman out and rip her apart. My first time actually 'out' I was a different person. I started to smile more, I started to sit and chat with others like me. I'd found a safe haven to talk to other people who are just like me! And then the sky cleared and the sun began to shine when I met some of these wonderful people. They are the best friends anyone could have.

So this weekend I just put some clothes in a bag, drove away to seclusion and once I got the basics settled, I was modelling a skirt, two new blouses and snapping photos of myself non-stop. That 'guy' was totally absent. I sipped on some wine, put on my favorite mini and chatted with my lovely dear friends. It was so easy to go right into female mode. So natural.

If people ask me what made me realize I was transgendered, it was the fact that happiness comes so easy to me when I am out (even if in a secluded spot) able to wear what I want and be who I want. I don't want the Universe, I just would like respect. I'm no sex object, I don't have the body of a supermodel. But for years I felt ashamed of myself and my body. Now I look at Samantha, she smiles back at me. Her smile comes immediately. She doesn't need to be afraid of who she is. If you read this and understand (some of you will easily) then understand this about me as well:

Samantha is me and she is all I am.

She's survived with me all these years and now as she emerges, finally, the air feels different, the light seems brighter and the future a little less depressing. Samantha is no longer that girl waiting meekly in the back and the shadows. She is becoming more and more open, more and more accepting of her true feelings. The 'guy' is happy to let her come out. Maybe that guy isn't so bad after all.

But he's had his chance... now it's Samantha's turn to open her wings and soar to new heights. It's her chance to blossom and become. It's her turn to be incredible and smile to a world that had never seen how beautiful her smile and twinkling eyes can be,

And just that little span of time made me very happy!!