So my friend Julie writes a post about the Ray Bradbury story 'Last Night of the World'. It caused me to do a lot of thinking, pondering and considering...what WOULD I do if this was the last day of the world?
I guess the most important thing in the whole scheme of what I would do is to first of all, just be me. I'm sure there would be blind panic, people rushing to be with their loved ones, family, partners, whomever they were close with. I'd have to just say that I'd need to take my time to put on my favorite top, corset, skirt and shoes and just go out. I'd probably call my sibling and tell them who I am, deep down. I would probably go to my parents as well. I'd come out knowing that tomorrow we'd not be here. Then I'd try to make it to my friends just because they have been the more wonderfully supportive people you can even know. Sadly I wouldn't be able to visit every one of them. :(
Of course that begets the question: what if it didn't happen?
If science can prove one thing, it can also prove others. There's that moment when things go from climactic panic to somber peace. When things arise in a new day and you take your first gasp of that stinging bitter cold air.
It would be a harsh thing to wake up expecting to be gone and you're still there. Maybe your makeup is slightly smeared from just not wanting to take it off, you might have a run in your pantyhose and hair's a mess. So be it. You are alive to take that gasp of air. The world is still there. Somehow it gives you a cheek-flushing moment: coming out was not the end of the world.
You know you have to face things differently in that case but you can face them with less fear than the hiding has filled you up with. You have less anxiety because you did something on your own that you can live with. You have to live with it. Perhaps you come to accept that as yourself, now the world knows you and you have to deal with that.
And one thing is for certain though, if it were, truly, the end of the world; as me I would be able to at least go dressed softly but to kill, showing off a little leg and being able to know that no matter how unhappy or fearful I have been in life, I am not living in that fear anymore. I have been released and emancipated from the self-imposed jail of fear I had given me.
The prison we sometimes lock ourselves in can be a damning place... worse than anything else you've imagined. There's a supreme beauty in being open about ourselves and living to accept that. I have cracked the walls of that prison but a full jailbreak hasn't happened. It's nice to see little glimmers of hope and dignity, of a happier and more self-assured woman within, dying to let her wings spread and her future to be in control of everything. She has the ways, the means and the power and with acceptance she can even learn the art of being happy.
Julie made me think of the book and think about what I would do if that was really the case. You know I'd never really thought this way before. Way way back in my space-faring days (yeah...right...LOL) I would consider such things but not in this way. Now it's different because, well, life changes the more you interact with it. Back then, I would hide a few pieces of clothes away because I was ashamed, alone and it felt to me like if anyone knew what was going on, it would be the end of the world... at least the end of MY world.
But as I grew older, grew wiser (perhaps) and grew out of that fearful shell I have found that it's now not a few items I fear to have found, I have more girl's clothes of all shapes and sizes, enough panties to keep myself happy for a month with a different style & color and a collection of accessories, makeup, brushes, etc. I am always happy to shop but I am more happy just to have the times I get to be me. That's such a good feeling.
Coming out is still a ways off for me - but I have the fear less and less, the uncertainty is less because I am more open about who I am and have gone out to where people truly care about each other and their friends. They inspire me to create new looks for myself, new fashions, even my first ever complete makeover (OMG I so want an airbrush for applying foundation...they are so cool!!)
So that being said, my last night of the world would be a rocking party. Samantha's time to shine because, let's be honest, she deserves it after being shut away in shame for so long!!
Peace & love sisters - and big hugs to all of you friends out there!
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