One last hurrah to 2010

2010 was not a really great year. Nor good. Actually it was ho-hum. Nothing gripping.

Were there defining limits? Sure. I went out in real life and enjoyed the time. I got a superb makeover at Sephora. Did this girl a LOT of good. I was in my element because I was just ENJOYING myself. Being there with those that cared, loved and supported me was the ultimate treasure. Going shopping en femme was better than any gift I could have received. It was liberation because I WAS ME!!

So for one last hurrah I have a few things to relate:

1) New Years mean new avenues and I plan on writing more. A LOT more. I have been bad about updating this blog. That will change.

2) Getting out is no longer a what if it's a when do I? OK, life is not exactly a magic carpet ride for me, but it's there and I have to do what I can to eliminate that hardship. I need to get out more... it's no longer an option!

3) I have a few needs and those are these (yeah, seems odd to write that too!): Makeup- time to master this rather than hack at it. Dress sense- well that is OK so far but I am going to be a little more daring this year. Hair- got to get better at styling my hair. Got to be able to do what I want with this mop :)

4) Lastly comes the style. This year will see some Vickie... ahem, I mean Victorian Sam! Not Victorious (though that would also be nice)... VICTORIAN. A touch of extra Goth, time to let her shine through. Sam loves Victorian stuff, English stuff and above all just being her OWN girl!

So style, fear and exposure will all be changing, I hope, for me in 2011. I hope as you read this your 2011 is better than 2010. Or any other year. I am determined that 2011 is going to be the year of change, because no one can make the change happen EXCEPT me.

So go forth and have fun tonight, the last day of 2010. Enjoy the time and realize when you wake up tomorrow you have the rest of your life to look forward to.

It's the perfect recipe for the future and I hope it is perfect for you too!

~Samantha

Voices from Beyond...? Maybe just outstanding voices!

I can't tell you how I have opened up of late, there is always so much going on. Sometimes you get lost. Sometimes you just never know what will happen.

So today I got an unexpected treat, my dear friend Felicity wanted to call me all the way around from New Zealand. It was a real treat (yes, I babbled a bit, it was just great to talk to a sister). It was wonderful to hear her voice and talked about being out and about. It made me really proud.

I really need to use the blog to be a journal, it seems every day something new and wonderful happens and I can't stand not feeling like it's worth that extra special time to write about it.

We talked about what a wonderful time I had going to SCC and taking the train and relaxing. Going down was a real treat, going out as me was even more so. Twice! In addition I got into a really wonderful chat with a girl who loves writing music, we connected so well that we shared contact information. She is a real beauty with a lovely smile. And great knowledge of music.

So much happens nowadays and with the Internet and cell phones we are a global sisterhood really. You have no idea unless you join up, but joining up is so much fun. I had a terrific time with my friends out at SCC and then coming home and I have even more friends to converse with. This is just surreal.

So despite the depression that my friend in New Zealand was facing a Monday early AM (it was about 1:30 PM on Sunday here) I can't say enough about how wonderful it was to share voices and reality. Reality is often overrated and sometimes scary. I was a little afraid to pick up the phone and reveal me, but I did and I was so glad I did. My dear friend Felicity is a great person and so warm and her voice is so special. She is a really good friend of mine, no matter what the mileage is between us! Here's her blog: http://flicdoesusa2011.blogspot.com/

So hugs for all of you that reach out and welcome new sisters or just reach out and share time with someone new. It's a special treat, and for one this girl really appreciates it.

HUGS to all who share their lives and are open about it. You make the world go round and you are all very special!!

♥Samantha♥

SCC... One Incredible Journey

No one can tell the way things will go, but going to SCC surely changed a lot of ideas I had for a long time.

First, let me bring up the incredible friends I shared time with: Christen and Joanne, Jamie, Sarah Nicole, Marsha, Ar'lene, Erica Fields, Arjay, Kristy Dantes, Cranberry Kris, Vicki LaSalle, Gina, oh the list goes on and on!

I got an incredible makeover at Sephora in the Perimeter Mall, my first time 'out' as Samantha and Shaunda was an incredible artist. She got so many hugs and thanks from me. What a sweetheart! She even wrote makeup ideas down and gave them to me, something I never expected. OMG a total ally and friend. Look Shaunda up and get a makeover from her, she is AMAZING.

We also dined out with Jamie and Erica at Seasons 52 and had a great time and good food. We shared a lot of laughs (nothing beats Joanne and I in hysterical giggles as we'd look at one another and think 'is it live or is it Memorex') and cracking up. Joanne is such a sweetheart.

Spending time with Marsha was terrific. She pointed out to me how I needed to walk tall and be proud... I wasn't conscious of it, but there it was and I took her words to heart. I was glad to extend the offer to let her have a place to stay and be able to attend. Truly a wonderful friend.

I went out not once, not twice, but three times as me and that meant a lot. Other than the dude who said I had beautiful eyes and a pointy nose. I turned off on him immediately, but it was nice to be acknowledged. I also remember the laughter shared on the bus ride back and giggling over what happened. It was great.

Jamie was most generous and helpful as was Joanne and Christen. They helped me learn a lot and be more confident in my presentation, it certainly helped me hold my head up higher and be proud of who I am and what I have grown towards. Journeys are often muddled, but this one trip will be a bright spot in my life.

Thanks also to Kristy and CK for spending time with me. The forms are AWESOME ladies and they fit so wonderfully!!

We went to the mall on Saturday and I got a couple of looks, I looked people back in the eye, something I never do in 'guy' mode. I felt a mysterious mystique and walked taller, prouder, thanks to my lovely friends Christen and Joanne. We even spent time at Lush (oh the shopping list I have to acquire!) educating them on TG issues. I told Gina if you have a frame of reference and you try, you can open up to new possibilities. We were classy and dressed respectfully, something I VERY firmly believe in! We were ambassadors of TG class and pride. We were your women on the spot and we did not disappoint. I was so scared to go out in real life, but I did it and I am proud I did.

SCC was eye-opening and relaxing as well, we enjoyed great meals and hospitality on the train and nice touristy things on the side.

There are so many wonderful memories I will cherish but I think the truth is that the most cherished memory is me, out and about, interacting and learning, loving life and feeling pretty. For that is the most blessed memory of all.

I journaled about my days there and I will condense it into a blog at some point, but I have to say that I loved being OUT at SCC, and my closest and most dear friends helped me in immeasurable ways. I am glad I went, I am happy to have been out and I learned so much about who Samantha is and what she is capable of.

Joanne is an incredible makeup artist and such a sweet friend. She and Christen are terrific friends and such wonderful support for us all. I am proud to have spent so much time with them and I DEFINITELY learned a LOT!!!

Look out world!!!

HUGS to all!!

Lament

I learned early this morning that my good friend Stephanie had passed on a victim of a massive heart attack.

She was 38.

She was just about my age.

And now she's gone. But you know what? I cherish the words we shared, the thoughts we tried to link to and the support, despite her almost overwhelming difficulties, that she gave to me. She wanted me to go on and I know, out there, she still does.

Stephanie, I will always love you, girl. You are a wonderful soul and you will always be my friend. She and I spoke tonight, her soul was the breeze and she answered my longings. She will always be there.

Godspeed you to Heaven, my lovely friend, for you deserve no less!

Layering

Of late I have been researching more and more on the layered effect. That is, taking a sleeveless tank with a low neckline and combining it with a short sleeve top. It creates a really nice effect, though of course, I need more 'real estate' to help the effect, nevertheless it is a great look, simple and elegant.

This is something like what I mean.

The keys I have found are to create contrast, for example note the green while the under layer is a simple gray. You want to keep the contrast in order to look really sharp, but the best news is, you really don't need to spend a lot to get the same effect. It's also stylish and gets you noticed.

Floral prints work too, just don't wear both at the same time. If you have a floral or patterned top, combine it with a plain color that works best with your skin tone or helps to draw out the best colors in the top. Also, make sure that the hem of the bottom shirt does not exceed the hem of the top. This would look awkward, unless of course, you are trying to create an effect in which case it's OK. :)

The thing about fashion is that everyone starts somewhere and moves with it. You don't need to be a diva and you don't have to follow every trend. Find something that you love and that works for you and you have it made. I really like this effect and it can look really good and feminine with little money spent.

Many times what is old becomes new again and fashion trends change. Just look at prior seasons attire (old catalogs, Google searches, etc.). For example, one shoulder exposed was big back in the eighties and it's starting to come back around now. It's always been there and you can always dig through your old clothes that you just couldn't throw away, and with a little work you're back at it. I fully expect that banana clips will come back too (not that I have one but growing up seeing them everywhere sort of endeared them to me). If I grew up in the era of the mini no doubt I would...nah wait I love minis too. I guess I invalidated my own argument. :)

But seriously, the truth is that you make your own statements about who you are. This outfit is a lot like me, a little daring and risque, a lot of it just is a simple comfort statement. I am confident that your decisions and confidence will create a new look for yourself. Mix and match and find what works best for you. I am finding my way, finding out more about who I am and I who I want to become.

Sisters, until next time, vive la fashionne! :)

Why Are We So Hard on Ourselves?

I'm not going to ask anything that hasn't already been written about and I am certainly guilty as well, though I have been trying to come around...

I used to hate having photos taken of me, because I was so hard on myself. After all I wasn't the lady-killer growing up, rather shy and awkward talking to new people.

Ever since I started to open my inner doors to let out the woman within, things took a different spin. I started to feel more confident in who I was, even if I didn't understand why or what the reasons were for my actions. After all, putting on girls clothes was so different and back then, there was no Internet to speak of where you could research and find out about things and discover that I wasn't the only one who felt like this. I started to like to take pictures of me, albeit limited.

Truth of the matter was that I was just starting on my journey, a journey of exploration and finding out more about me.

But it always came back to being hard on myself. I loved the feeling of wearing girls clothes and imaging myself female. I used to not want to look into the mirror because I knew what I would see, a guy in some lingerie or a pretty skirt. It wasn't how I perceived myself so I pushed it back.

Later as I got more settled in life, after months of hiding the clothing away and hoping to leave it for good, I came across the clothing and in one rush, those feelings roared back and I was wearing panties again. I felt bad because I still didn't want to see that 'guy' in the mirror and I resisted trying to tell myself reality was anything different.

Years later I sort of revived my feelings more actively and started to expand my severely drought-ridden wardrobe. As I got more and more time to be dressed, I felt less an less like the ugly guy and more like a woman emerging from a chrysalis. I started to smile more, started to hold my head up higher, started to observe others and how they act. I am generally pretty patient so I knew if I took my time I would get more our of it that rushing into any decisions.

Still I didn't have a lot of resources and in general, despite how good I felt about myself, I never got over those troubled feelings of youth. Then I met a woman who appreciated me and liked me. She went so far as to take my guy underwear and toss it out a window so I had to wear her yummy panties home. She made me feel special about myself, and despite having lost touch with her, I still hold a special place for her in my heart.

Fast forward again to July of last year. As I had grown, I became more and more at ease with being feminine and finding my way. Then I discovered this growing website called and decided to join to discover more about me and who I am.

I have more friends on <..> than I do in real life, I mean *friends* not just people I heard about, etc. Special jewels like Christen, Joanne, Erica, Chloe, Lana, Susan, Christina...the list goes on and on. They made me feel so special and wanted at First Event. The future looks pretty bright and for my first time out, I didn't too all that bad.

Initially I was still pretty harsh on myself - old feelings die hard. But after being out, realizing I was just, really, starting a new journey and I couldn't expect to be perfect, or even pretty good, without practice and pride! But I held my head up high and looked other girls in the eye, I felt more confidence than I had ever done before. It was revealing!

Now I have some ideas where the road may lead and I am weighing my options and decisions. It's a hard road there's no doubt of that.It's tough and yet it's tender.

My advice: no one is perfect and no one can just magically transform (OK, I can dream...:) ) into the beautiful person they want to be. But here's my advice to everyone: Embrace your individuality and don't be so hard on yourself!

We're all in a similar boat, really. We're all waiting for that magical moment. So don't be too hard and too critical, everyone has a different pace, a different angle. But we are ALL beautiful inside!

And now I am always taking pics of me, and smiling...so embrace yourselves and your true colors...sisters, you are all beautiful!!

HUGS!

Deliciously smooth skin...!!

From time to time I do some looking, research if you will, on better ways to keep my skin and self healthy and (hopefully) happy.

One thing I learned just today is the art of shaving and how to make it better for your skin and your happiness.

What you will need:
1 shaving brush (badger hair is best)
1 sharp multi-blade razor
1 tub of shaving cream
1 block of alum
and 1 bottle of extra-virgin olive oil.

Wait! Olive Oil???

Mmmm indeed. Let me explain. I detest olives in general and I can't eat them without wanting to lose my lunch. But I love cooking with olive oil and using it because it's healthy and good for you and well, mixed up in other things, the taste of olives is almost non-existent. Therefore olive oil is good. But, it's better than that: it is loaded with Vitamin E and anti-oxidants. So, guess what? It's great for your skin too!

Olive oil can also help in a pinch if you need to shave and can't get all the amenities, like you spent the night at your girlfriend's and your man calls up and says 'hey you want to go see this incredible flick' ... you're going to say 'ah, but honey I'm all hairy...'? Mmmhmmm... didn't think so!

Pros recommend washing with nice warm water to loosen the skin and I do to... it is very beneficial in opening the skin's pores, then apply some pre-shave oil onto your skin before lathering and shaving. However, in a pinch you can just use olive oil instead. It's great for your skin, soothes and moisturizes it and also helps prevent a lot of razor burn!

First rule is get extra-virgin olive oil! Don't get the lite stuff or any other kind, they are chemically treated. Myself, for cooking I have nothing else other than extra-virgin and once I learned and tried the 'oil shaving' I was definitely sold!
Second rule is a little goes a LONG way!! Seriously--watch how much you use. First of all, extra-virgin oil isn't cheap so you want to be sparing unless you're made of money. Even if you are, your skin can't absorb a whole lot so less is better - I recommend about a 1/4 of a teaspoon per leg or for both your armpits. Err on the side of less - if you use more, just rub it on sensitive areas of your skin or anywhere that's dried out. Your skin will thank you for it!

In a pinch you can shave with just the oil. Let it permeate your skin, then begin to shave. Use light pressure and shave with the grain or sideways to it. You will create a protective 'shield' for your skin that will help lessen abrasion and irritation when you use the oil. Plus, who doesn't want the extra benefits of a quite a lot of Vitamin E on your skin?? You can also purchase oils with lavendar, etc. that may be more to your liking, but in general the best thing is to pre-treat your skin before shaving!

But if you're in any way like me, you'll want to experience the full effects of a terrific shave!! In which case you'll want to get the brush, shaving soap and alum ready.

After a light glaze of olive oil lightly wet the brush tips in warm water and dip into the shaving cream. Use small circular motions. You may be asking right now... a brush? Are you serious?

Indeed! It's a great way to do two things at once: raise and stiffen the hairs that you want to remove and also to exfoliate the skin to, removing dead skin cells that will flake off later. Ewwwwww.... :)

Use a SHARP razor, a multi-blade one is best. Something like a Mach3 or a Venus (Schick, Gillette, any of the 'big' names will be fine) will work great (as an aside, I often buy a new handle as opposed to the replacement blades since they are less expensive!) and will treat your skin better than using a cheap plastic razor or something you found in your dad's old chest of drawers. Invest in a nice, new, sharp razor and your skin will thank you! You don't really need the strip on the blades to 'moisturize' since you will be doing that by applying 'pre-shave oil' and your regular routines to keep your skin happy, smooth and vibrant before and after your shower/bath.

Start at your ankles and with light pressure draw the razor with the grain as much as possible. This will help reduce the amount of irritation you experience and also reduce the amount of ingrown hairs or 'bumps'. Ingrown hairs are a pain, unsightly and they can be avoided with just a couple of simple steps to avoid them!

A couple of hints, bend your knees slightly as you shave the back of them. Be gentle. My knees are always a troublesome spot so just take your time, don't press down and apply a lot of pressure on the head of the razor. Take your time and you will have such smooth skin, glowing and radiant. You'll want to put on that mini and show off your body.

Nothing beats smooth legs for a woman, but also important are the armpits. You should apply the same techniques as your legs and you will find your underarms are as smooth as your legs in no time. No irritation, no mess, no uncomfortable feelings... just naturally silky smooth skin sans hair!

Should you get any nicks or cuts, the alum block is great, just wet it and apply it to the cuts and the blood will stop almost instantly. It's been a standby for generations and that tradition will continue for as long as we have hair to worry about, that is for sure. It's a natural product as well so it's not like you are putting something unnatural on your beautiful and naturally sensitive skin!

You should also invest in a stand for your brush (about $20 or so) to hold the brush aloft (it will point down to allow water to drip away by action of gravity) and will also hold your razor on the other side. A nice shaving soap (I am still trying out a few but those made with eucalyptus seems really nice and at around $10 aren't too expensive) is also key. The oil will go a long way though and you'll wonder why you didn't know about ir earlier!! No charge for enlightenment! :)

Shaving your legs need not be so much of a chore as you feel it could be... and a natural alternative is always sweet! I am always trying to 'evaluate' new products that will help us girls live a better life, while comforting our skin to the royal treatment... royalty I am sure is frowning at this since I exposed it! :-)

You can get all these things at a lot of retailers or online (well... since you're here reading this *duh* of course you are a member of the 'online community') in retailers worldwide. They are happy to take your money! :) Seriously though it's a great thing to experiment and try out new products (and ideas) and even better to share them with my fellow girls (guys can also benefit from these tips too!).

If it's been a while or you are just starting your TG journey, you will also find a set of clippers will work wonders for thinning off the mass of hair you may (or may not) have accumulated. It's definitely a more hygienic thing to have smooth, hair free skin, but if you've lapsed no worries - you can still get back to the smooth and sexy, silky feeling!

Be happy sisters and be safe!!

Like a flashbulb...

Part of me wants to say that this post is going to be different. Part of me... and the part that doesn't think so...well, she doesn't know quite yet where this is going!

What's a flashbulb got to do with it? Well-- let's just say that there's a crystal clear, sharp definition to a flash, crisp edges and starkness that seems almost intrusive. And it's rather a definition of my life.

Not everything is black-and-white, of course! Some things are gray, purple, pink and ...did I mention purple? But when you look at your life from an angle, some things seem different, contrasty, out of sorts... rather like you were exposed in a single flash of life and it left strong and weak definitions.

So far in my life, I have overcome a lot of adversity that has made me stronger, but also I face a lot more that has me afraid. The starkness of shadows over the brightness of light. But still I persevere. And I will continue to do so as long as I am able to.

Being said, it's not an easy thing to relay but here I go... once upon a time I felt shattered. Lonely and afraid. I was the only one who felt like I did... the only one in the whole world and perhaps the entire living, breathing Universe. So I capitulated and moved on. I was just different.

Then I found out I was not, and truth be told that was like a flash going off in my eyes, stark and truthful and hurtful if you look right at it. But it subsides and diminishes with time passing and so it did for me.

So I gathered my thoughts of the past and worked to discover who I am now. I am not the same woman I was, nor would I wish that to change. Sometimes I feel adverse to it, like it does not fit me, other times I am comfortable with who I am and I seek to enlighten myself and others what I am and who I aspire to be.

But life is always full of choices and decisions.

For me, being a woman is no problem, but the journey is complicated and can be troublesome. Stronger people than me have tried and failed. I feel like I am just another pilgrim on this route, I aim for success but I know that success comes with failure. So it always has been. Q.E.D.

But in life, stark contrast comes when you look at all the elements, sometimes right at that momentary blinding inferno that comes as the photo is taken. We find out new things, about ourselves and our lives. Is that bad? No way for me.

I simply cannot state, with ease, where I am going with this, but here goes an initial observation: I am not who I am, I am not who I will be. Sounds rather philosophical, doesn't it?

I used to be a girl and did girly things, awkwardly it is true, but I grew to learn and ask better questions. And then suddenly the woman was on the horizon. And she grows closer, closer all the time.

Perhaps it defines loneliness I have felt, loneliness I have endured. It's not like they have a manual for this and it's never easy no matter what.

My mind is muddled now, so I leave this parting thought (for the moment): I am a girl - please treat me like one!

-to be continued...

Vivid Dreams...

This will not be a 'usual' blog for me and it's not going to be a short romp, so please bear with me as I wind around a few ideas, etc. I may come to a point....eventually :)

First I'm going to give big huge get well wishes to Stephanie. Get well soon -- we're pulling for you!!

Well last weekend was awful, for me, because I came down with a nasty cold. Sniffly, coughy, you-name-it. Of course it would wait until...ahem "spring" to rear it's ugly head. No cold all winter. I guess it's just payback for dodging one this long... :D

So fighting off this nasty thing gave me more time in bed, resting and more time to examine and contemplate the back of my eyelids LOL I didn't really come to any decisions while I was swooning through the Kleenex aisle, but as I started to get better I thought more about transitioning and what it means to me.

So later on in the week I continued down the road of recovery, picking out items I wanted to wear if I got some me time this weekend and felt up to it (so far, so good in that department!). As I rested up, I felt myself asking the question, what does transition mean to me and what does it have to mean?

I am not going to lay claims of profound knowledge here but instead to share some thoughts and learn from your thoughts as well. After all, that's what life is about, sharing the bounty of knowledge to make us all better people!

So as I spent more time resting up in bed and (happily) running to the faucet for more water (as opposed to the kleenex box!) and sitting thinking about nature, the Universe and my place in it. Yeah, nice light, airy thoughts for under the covers sniffling and coughing, right? :) I am a dreamer sometimes and an admirer of what is out there, far out sometimes. So I got caught up on some astronomy news and just enjoyed the delights of the Universe.

I had a bit of a fever I know, and that made me wake a couple of times sweating. But that wasn't anything like what was to come...

Thursday morning (OK real EARLY morning) I had a very different sort of dream, very vivid because it felt so real and this time I woke up in a sweat, it wasn't because my fever had broken!

I was in a house, not sure where, sitting on a couch talking to what I am guessing was my love interest. I became immediately aware I had long darkish hair over my shoulders and I was wearing a black skirt with lace on the outside in graceful layers and a dark green or purple velour top, much like a 'Baroque' top. I had fingerless lace gloves on too. I was just immediately aware I was not a male dressed up, I was a female.

I remember talking about being guided by a spirit (Native Americans have Spirits that guide them, though I don't have any heritage in me, I feel that I can believe in that because it makes a lot of sense to me) and I was talking about it. I was sitting cross-legged on the couch and facing who I was speaking to (not sure who it was, not anyone I know). I talked about my guide and how my Spirit would communicate with me. They asked me questions about it, showing interest and how I came to 'meet' my Spirit. It was deep and profound. And it felt so very real!

I suppose it was bizarre not because it wasn't much of a action-packed dream, there was no romance in it, but I remember that the person I was talking to but they put their hand gently on my upper arm in the dream and I woke up with a start. I was lying in a cold sweat, head to toe, awash with how very real the dream had seemed to be. I was immediately saddened because I felt so comfortable, so free, so very much at ease with myself as a woman. I didn't feel the least bit awkward.

But it came to me later that day that I was dressed up differently, I was dressed up more in Goth than I ever have in real life. I became intrigued. I resolved that there was one person who could tell me I was perhaps smoking something illegal and to forget it.

Of course, everyone knows the Queen of Goth, Sophia.

I came home and chatted and she jumped on. I needed to ask her so I did. I needed to know if I was way out there or whether some part of me was more Goth than I realized.

Sophia immediately helped, wonderful friend that she is. She took the time to ask me about what sorts of things I was thinking about and what sort of look might work for me. I was floored because I half expected 'it's not for you, it's going to set you back'.

I'm not talking Elvira here or some kind of Marilyn Manson type of 'shock-goth' (is that a term?). I refer more to the sort of pristine Victorian ladies dresses and attire, more formal than most of what goes on nowadays. Not to say that I couldn't dress down but it's sort of what I was leaning towards.

With her kindness and wonderful time spent with me, she immediately made me feel like I wasn't mistaken and my dream wasn't fading off in the harsh, cold light of reality. Sophia is truly remarkable, she reaches out and holds true to her friends and beliefs, which is why it was so easy to talk one-on-one with her. Her thoughts were those of a dear friend and she made me believe in and trust in myself, simply because she was there and she wanted to help.

Sophia you are so sweet to have spent that time with me. I hope it made you feel happy, because you sure made me feel better about myself and happy with my goals. You made a poor, sick sister feel better about herself and the world around her!

Until next time...