Part of me wants to say that this post is going to be different. Part of me... and the part that doesn't think so...well, she doesn't know quite yet where this is going!
What's a flashbulb got to do with it? Well-- let's just say that there's a crystal clear, sharp definition to a flash, crisp edges and starkness that seems almost intrusive. And it's rather a definition of my life.
Not everything is black-and-white, of course! Some things are gray, purple, pink and ...did I mention purple? But when you look at your life from an angle, some things seem different, contrasty, out of sorts... rather like you were exposed in a single flash of life and it left strong and weak definitions.
So far in my life, I have overcome a lot of adversity that has made me stronger, but also I face a lot more that has me afraid. The starkness of shadows over the brightness of light. But still I persevere. And I will continue to do so as long as I am able to.
Being said, it's not an easy thing to relay but here I go... once upon a time I felt shattered. Lonely and afraid. I was the only one who felt like I did... the only one in the whole world and perhaps the entire living, breathing Universe. So I capitulated and moved on. I was just different.
Then I found out I was not, and truth be told that was like a flash going off in my eyes, stark and truthful and hurtful if you look right at it. But it subsides and diminishes with time passing and so it did for me.
So I gathered my thoughts of the past and worked to discover who I am now. I am not the same woman I was, nor would I wish that to change. Sometimes I feel adverse to it, like it does not fit me, other times I am comfortable with who I am and I seek to enlighten myself and others what I am and who I aspire to be.
But life is always full of choices and decisions.
For me, being a woman is no problem, but the journey is complicated and can be troublesome. Stronger people than me have tried and failed. I feel like I am just another pilgrim on this route, I aim for success but I know that success comes with failure. So it always has been. Q.E.D.
But in life, stark contrast comes when you look at all the elements, sometimes right at that momentary blinding inferno that comes as the photo is taken. We find out new things, about ourselves and our lives. Is that bad? No way for me.
I simply cannot state, with ease, where I am going with this, but here goes an initial observation: I am not who I am, I am not who I will be. Sounds rather philosophical, doesn't it?
I used to be a girl and did girly things, awkwardly it is true, but I grew to learn and ask better questions. And then suddenly the woman was on the horizon. And she grows closer, closer all the time.
Perhaps it defines loneliness I have felt, loneliness I have endured. It's not like they have a manual for this and it's never easy no matter what.
My mind is muddled now, so I leave this parting thought (for the moment): I am a girl - please treat me like one!
-to be continued...
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