I am never really 1 one-hundred percent sure what direction I want to go in and where I want to end up. It's one of those things that's hard to figure out.
So the other day I am browsing through some folders looking at the contents trying to figure out what certain things were. I started coming across a few folders of me dressing, very simply back in 2004. I found a few pictures and thought 'wow! Does that bring back memories!' I was sort of forgetting all the old days when I had very few clothes and just sort of bought impulsively.. I'd see something I liked on a girl and I would buy the closest thing I could get. I became a fan of Victoria's Secret. 2004 was not, of course, the first time I had dressed but it was the first time I'd had convenient means to take pictures. I'd done a few blurry and not so good photos with my SLR, but I didn't have a darkroom so I had to send them away to be developed, which always scared the be-jabbers out of me. Now having a semi-decent camera I began to document my dressing sessions. There weren't a lot, I did dress more than I documented in my pictures but it was a start.
2006 and 2007 were there as well but after getting a newer camera in 2008 the pictures started coming faster and more furiously. I was dressing up more and more - it seemed like every weekend I was dressing up and taking some photos. I had also gotten my first wigs, a brownish one and a short blonde bob. I started to buy more clothes looking for a more complete look, instead of a couple of pieces of lingerie and maybe a miniskirt or two. I was moving out of the realm of treating dressing as a fetish and more of treating it as comfortable. Feeling like I should have been born this way all along. Feeling better about myself and trying on new things. Completing looks instead of just grabbing a pair of nylons and a slip and biting my nails in fear of asking myself what was wrong with me.
Of course, now I know there was nothing wrong with me. But still I was living in a fantasy world unsure what to do and how to proceed. In 2008 things changed perspective and I saw growth of Samantha from a few hidden pieces of lingerie into a developing woman. It's just part of a journey, a growth phase. I went from a small box to keep things in to a large tub. Those tons of photos showed I was just growing and seeing something inside me I'd never realized was there. A woman started looking back at me, I thought.
In 2009 more things changed. I had a new job, and I started to get a little more free time than my prior company so I was able to once again have free weekends where I'd pull out more and more clothing and smile for the camera. Smiles started appearing with each time I dressed and felt complete. I found people who seemed like I did but mostly I hid and lurked, wondering whether it was going to turn bizarre. I also found a more 'social' type of site. I'd never posted a picture of myself before online, but I had to. I found a decent photo of myself in the short bob and added it. Now I was part of a community. A tiny part but there weren't a lot of folks on. I started to converse with other girls and shared more and more information. I started to feel safe and secure, after all it was a virtual realm. It was disconnected from me. No one and nothing happened anywhere near me.
Well, I was wrong as usual. At the end of 2009 I got invited to an 'get-together' where many people would be there. I was going to meet one of the speakers who founded the site I was on. I got really, really nervous and almost just said forget it. I finally packed a suitcase and went. I stayed with two lovely ladies. I didn't really know what I was doing. Everyone said I looked great but let's face it, I looked terrible. But I had fun.
I met some incredible people, pre-op, post-op and some just like me, coming out for a good time and to enjoy themselves. I had never had that before. Time seemed to fly and then I was going out again, this time in Atlanta. I had a professional makeover and went out to real places and shopped like a real woman. I didn't have it nailed down but I did feel pretty decent.
But the photos dried up.
I had photos from the events but that was all. A couple here and there but the frequency dropped. I became sullen - what was the matter with me?? When I had hidden in shame I was daring to dress as often as I could? When it was exciting and thrilling to feel feminine and sexy? Why had that dried up like, as the title of a Lorraine Hansberry plays says "a raisin in the sun"?
It dawned on me last night that the answer was not as repugnant as I thought. I was dressing for thrills and adventure. I wanted to dress for ME, to feel complete. Pulling on a pair of nylons and a short skirt weren't what I wanted to do. Even just wearing a bra and panties under male clothing felt cheap and wrong. If I didn't complete my transformation I felt like I shouldn't tempt myself at all. Perhaps just being in touch with feminine garments would make me too sad if I could not continue to compliment them. I didn't want to dress halfway, like leaving a job half done or a cup of spearmint tea half consumed. It felt like I was treating my sweet sister like trash.
Thinking it over last night and today I had to get my thoughts into some sense of order and the blog seemed to work for how I was thinking of things (it rambles but we all do that from time to time...). Now that I ponder it over more and more, the less I see those things that keep from being in touch with my femininity. I may not always like it not being complete but I love when those moments come that they are the shedding of a person I don't really know and understand and find solace in the facts that Samantha may be a plain and simple woman but she's there. So the thrills are gone... but the excitement is just getting started.
Thank you for taking the time out of your busy lives to read my little message! :)
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Sunday, July 31, 2011
What does transition mean... to me?
Sometimes I have to wonder... Is it my life to keep on going and find these things out about myself or am I doomed to have a shadow, a person who's like me yet so unlike me that there's just nothing but confusion in the seas ahead? I often ask myself the question that I can't yet answer... what distance will I go? It does not have an easy answer.
It affects me sometimes to see my good friends who have made the jump to living full time and going on HRT. They see themselves as questioning what they were and embracing who they should be. Gender is not a black and white, this or that, life or death realm. It's extremely complex, hard to define and sullenly overwrought with complications. Some who have made their transition to complete womanhood tend to shun those who are uncertain of this path...uncertain what part of the road we got on at and where it all ends up. There's no map or GPS to guide you. All you have is what you feel inside and what help therapists and friends/family can provide. It's a very heart-wrenching journey because it's one you really have to make alone. No one else can or should tell you what to do or what your life means to them. It's all about your own decisions, your own accomplishments and your own desires.
Some people can't 'complete' the journey due to money, medical reasons, or other causes that their lives have given them. If you let it stop you then you probably feel a failure and despair. But it's not always the case with how I see it. I see it as you have challenges but it need not stop you from living as close to your dreams as you can. Take each day, one day at a time. The future can be just as bright if you realize that you don't have to go under the knife to be a woman. Each person's commitments, thoughts and situations define this. It's still your show and you are still the director and have the chance to make things happen.
Those that do 'go all the way' can often sense that they don't want to be seen with pre-ops because they might get 'clocked' (yes, sadly, I have heard this said before). That's part of the issue with the transgender community as a whole. We often are a house divided and it makes it hard to build a house when you have all the nails, but you don't have any wood. The TG community has to heal the rifts and come together. If you get 'clocked' about it, you still have to remember, much as you don't want to, that you started out somewhere in life which is not the place you are in now. I have a couple of dear friends who are post-op and they are still completely supportive and wonderful. But some, even those planning on it, can become overly critical of those who are not planning on it (or not for the forseeable future) - that is the hurtful part. Take off the clothes, the makeup, the wigs (if you need one) and bore right down the cellular level. You'll find that you and I and those 4 over there and the 2 climbing that mountain have one thing in common.
We are all human.
Now it's certainly true that humans are flawed and sometimes overly emotional creatures (raises hand) but the truth is that many of the LGBT community had to learn that in order to stand we need to stand together, hand in hand and ready to conquer what comes. A house that divides against itself will fall. Are we not yet seeing that victories like the recent passing of gay marriage in New York are because people rallied and stood together? They came in droves and pressed and walked proud. They got what they were seeking, but there is always more to do until we have full equality. Women and blacks were targets for the same unfair practices and inequality in earlier times. Now is the time for the LGBT movement to unify into one voice and not give sway. That is why the people that make up the TG community (be post-op, pre-op, casual crossdresser, etc.) need to unify and stand together.
I've heard it also said that a person who puts on a dress and some lipstick and leaves it at that is not really real and thus doesn't deserve the same rights (the so-called "Bathroom Bills" target this). I know of people who just want to be able, when dressed as their preferred gender, to be able to use the proper bathroom and not be harassed or arrested for it. If you go in, use the stall, freshen up your makeup and walk back out with perhaps just a compliment on another girl's dress or hair, it's all good. It's many who don't seem to understand that when you go out dressed as a man (for FTM friends) and as a woman (for MTF friends) it's not about what makes you stand out. It's about blending in. Blending and being conscious that you are in a realm where you are a guest is important. Don't become blind to it and say "I made it to the inner sanctum, the holy of holies, now I'm going to drop language like I'm home swilling Buds with the boys" kind of thing. Sadly, I've heard that happen as well.
Being true to yourself is just as important as being true to your family, friends, co-workers, etc. There's a level of trust and expectation there. It took you a while to realize who you are and who you should have been. Don't expect everyone to drop everything, nod and hug you and say "I saw it all along, honey. You were in there, you just took so long to come out and express it." Some people will say that. Others will withdraw and not know what to say. It's not ignorance, it's lack of education. The ignorant are the ones who laugh and scorn you and go out of your way to feel miserable or unwanted. I can tell you this right now... you ARE wanted!!
The truth is that transition is like a prism, it can just show some light or when conditions are just right break into the most beautiful array of pretty colors imaginable. It's all part of the progress we need to make. Sometimes the situations aren't ideal, but the best and most competent person to make those decisions is..guess who? YOU. You have the road to travel down. You'll have friends and family some will ride with you as far as you're going, others will drop off and take earlier exits. You'll get some that won't care and won't want to know what you are doing and will shun you and walk away. Building a tapestry of open-minded peers and friends is the true key to surviving this journey. It's not about how pretty you are, how many surgeries you think you will need or how many times you'll be called 'he' or 'sir' (or 'she' or ma'am' for FTM friends out there) before the whole prism turns just right and then things begin to emerge you never thought were there. It's part of who we all are, and we have all been through or are going through with it. Some people will make you mad and upset you, but even if you weren't transitioning that would be the case (some one who cuts you line, a driver who cuts you off, a friend that suddenly just stops being there and turning away from you, etc.). Bring this down to the least common denominator. You and they are human beings. We're flawed and sometimes ridiculously so, but we're essentially the same deep down at our core.
That's part of what transition means to me. More will come and more still further on as we see what we can be and how we will grow together. Transitioning is complicated and full of challenges, but it can be a wonderful time as well. It just depends on how you manage it.
And everyone, no matter who, goes through transitions in life. Be your best and be yourself, those keys will help you to unlock your own beautiful potential.
It affects me sometimes to see my good friends who have made the jump to living full time and going on HRT. They see themselves as questioning what they were and embracing who they should be. Gender is not a black and white, this or that, life or death realm. It's extremely complex, hard to define and sullenly overwrought with complications. Some who have made their transition to complete womanhood tend to shun those who are uncertain of this path...uncertain what part of the road we got on at and where it all ends up. There's no map or GPS to guide you. All you have is what you feel inside and what help therapists and friends/family can provide. It's a very heart-wrenching journey because it's one you really have to make alone. No one else can or should tell you what to do or what your life means to them. It's all about your own decisions, your own accomplishments and your own desires.
Some people can't 'complete' the journey due to money, medical reasons, or other causes that their lives have given them. If you let it stop you then you probably feel a failure and despair. But it's not always the case with how I see it. I see it as you have challenges but it need not stop you from living as close to your dreams as you can. Take each day, one day at a time. The future can be just as bright if you realize that you don't have to go under the knife to be a woman. Each person's commitments, thoughts and situations define this. It's still your show and you are still the director and have the chance to make things happen.
Those that do 'go all the way' can often sense that they don't want to be seen with pre-ops because they might get 'clocked' (yes, sadly, I have heard this said before). That's part of the issue with the transgender community as a whole. We often are a house divided and it makes it hard to build a house when you have all the nails, but you don't have any wood. The TG community has to heal the rifts and come together. If you get 'clocked' about it, you still have to remember, much as you don't want to, that you started out somewhere in life which is not the place you are in now. I have a couple of dear friends who are post-op and they are still completely supportive and wonderful. But some, even those planning on it, can become overly critical of those who are not planning on it (or not for the forseeable future) - that is the hurtful part. Take off the clothes, the makeup, the wigs (if you need one) and bore right down the cellular level. You'll find that you and I and those 4 over there and the 2 climbing that mountain have one thing in common.
We are all human.
Now it's certainly true that humans are flawed and sometimes overly emotional creatures (raises hand) but the truth is that many of the LGBT community had to learn that in order to stand we need to stand together, hand in hand and ready to conquer what comes. A house that divides against itself will fall. Are we not yet seeing that victories like the recent passing of gay marriage in New York are because people rallied and stood together? They came in droves and pressed and walked proud. They got what they were seeking, but there is always more to do until we have full equality. Women and blacks were targets for the same unfair practices and inequality in earlier times. Now is the time for the LGBT movement to unify into one voice and not give sway. That is why the people that make up the TG community (be post-op, pre-op, casual crossdresser, etc.) need to unify and stand together.
I've heard it also said that a person who puts on a dress and some lipstick and leaves it at that is not really real and thus doesn't deserve the same rights (the so-called "Bathroom Bills" target this). I know of people who just want to be able, when dressed as their preferred gender, to be able to use the proper bathroom and not be harassed or arrested for it. If you go in, use the stall, freshen up your makeup and walk back out with perhaps just a compliment on another girl's dress or hair, it's all good. It's many who don't seem to understand that when you go out dressed as a man (for FTM friends) and as a woman (for MTF friends) it's not about what makes you stand out. It's about blending in. Blending and being conscious that you are in a realm where you are a guest is important. Don't become blind to it and say "I made it to the inner sanctum, the holy of holies, now I'm going to drop language like I'm home swilling Buds with the boys" kind of thing. Sadly, I've heard that happen as well.
Being true to yourself is just as important as being true to your family, friends, co-workers, etc. There's a level of trust and expectation there. It took you a while to realize who you are and who you should have been. Don't expect everyone to drop everything, nod and hug you and say "I saw it all along, honey. You were in there, you just took so long to come out and express it." Some people will say that. Others will withdraw and not know what to say. It's not ignorance, it's lack of education. The ignorant are the ones who laugh and scorn you and go out of your way to feel miserable or unwanted. I can tell you this right now... you ARE wanted!!
The truth is that transition is like a prism, it can just show some light or when conditions are just right break into the most beautiful array of pretty colors imaginable. It's all part of the progress we need to make. Sometimes the situations aren't ideal, but the best and most competent person to make those decisions is..guess who? YOU. You have the road to travel down. You'll have friends and family some will ride with you as far as you're going, others will drop off and take earlier exits. You'll get some that won't care and won't want to know what you are doing and will shun you and walk away. Building a tapestry of open-minded peers and friends is the true key to surviving this journey. It's not about how pretty you are, how many surgeries you think you will need or how many times you'll be called 'he' or 'sir' (or 'she' or ma'am' for FTM friends out there) before the whole prism turns just right and then things begin to emerge you never thought were there. It's part of who we all are, and we have all been through or are going through with it. Some people will make you mad and upset you, but even if you weren't transitioning that would be the case (some one who cuts you line, a driver who cuts you off, a friend that suddenly just stops being there and turning away from you, etc.). Bring this down to the least common denominator. You and they are human beings. We're flawed and sometimes ridiculously so, but we're essentially the same deep down at our core.
That's part of what transition means to me. More will come and more still further on as we see what we can be and how we will grow together. Transitioning is complicated and full of challenges, but it can be a wonderful time as well. It just depends on how you manage it.
And everyone, no matter who, goes through transitions in life. Be your best and be yourself, those keys will help you to unlock your own beautiful potential.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Even the little things...
It's been a long time since I was able to spend any time getting out to someplace where I could just break off the chunks of life I'm not comfortable with and replace them with better things. Breaking down the perceived 'guy' is easy, he disappears with an almost fluid ease. The guy is not fussy because, well... let's be honest he's a shell. A facade people got used to seeing without being able to get used to seeing who I am inside.
Of course, it's been no easy ride for my own inner self either.
I lived for so long feeling I was different, weird, strange. I figured I was sick and demented, even though I seemed to be pretty smart, show some aptitude for music and writing, feeling like perhaps I was just a little off. Now I'll tell you something. I didn't have the best childhood. I had parents that were pretty distant to my feelings and I often felt like I was hiding away all those moments when I wanted to cry. My father was worse because he "didn't like little kids". He has admitted that. He now will remind me that "we enjoy seeing you and want you to spend more time visitng us" but yet I did not get the same when I was a kid. Concerts, plays, even just going out to play catch would have been nice. Instead he'd just snarl and stomp off like a 5 year old. It was very cruel to my sensitive young persona, a persona I had not yet identified as being trans. I was feminine inside, I just could not express it at all. So there's the biggest hurdle I've had to face.
I don't want to wallow in that s*** and become depressed over it. Nah, not worth it. It's funny now I've got the control over visiting and it's plain to me that my friends are important to my growth as a person, not someone who once told me "children should be seen and not heard." Yeah... that s*** is still there, it still hurts me inside. It hurts my inner child.
So let's escape that drudgery, shall we? Once my inner child was soothed by knowing who she was, silently sitting there in the corner waiting in her cute little dress quietly whispering in my ear how she wanted to come out, how she wanted to play. But of course the years of being silenced had a hard toll on me... they left me fighting someone I should have embraced, I should have deeply loved... myself.
The truth was that no matter how I saw myself, I feared and hated it. I caught a glimpse of myself in panties and a slip and was like 'what the f*** is the matter with me? Why am I doing this?" But... I could NOT stop. At first it was a thrill, a bit of an escape and being someone else... she had a name, at first she was simply 'Freedom'. She looked like me but she was female, she had a better upbringing, she had a spark of life in her eyes and liked to smile and have her picture taken even. She was about the polar opposite of that 'guy'.
Years went by and I still just dabbled, my toes barely moist despite the vast ocean in front of me. I was afraid to get wet, to splash and play, but I did not stop either. It was too much to bear being away from her for long. She was always there, quietly nagging at me, quietly pushing me to put on a couple of women's items and feel good about myself.
I lived with a new fear, that someone would know, they would see me and ridicule me. Someone who would drag my inner woman out and rip her apart. My first time actually 'out' I was a different person. I started to smile more, I started to sit and chat with others like me. I'd found a safe haven to talk to other people who are just like me! And then the sky cleared and the sun began to shine when I met some of these wonderful people. They are the best friends anyone could have.
So this weekend I just put some clothes in a bag, drove away to seclusion and once I got the basics settled, I was modelling a skirt, two new blouses and snapping photos of myself non-stop. That 'guy' was totally absent. I sipped on some wine, put on my favorite mini and chatted with my lovely dear friends. It was so easy to go right into female mode. So natural.
If people ask me what made me realize I was transgendered, it was the fact that happiness comes so easy to me when I am out (even if in a secluded spot) able to wear what I want and be who I want. I don't want the Universe, I just would like respect. I'm no sex object, I don't have the body of a supermodel. But for years I felt ashamed of myself and my body. Now I look at Samantha, she smiles back at me. Her smile comes immediately. She doesn't need to be afraid of who she is. If you read this and understand (some of you will easily) then understand this about me as well:
Samantha is me and she is all I am.
She's survived with me all these years and now as she emerges, finally, the air feels different, the light seems brighter and the future a little less depressing. Samantha is no longer that girl waiting meekly in the back and the shadows. She is becoming more and more open, more and more accepting of her true feelings. The 'guy' is happy to let her come out. Maybe that guy isn't so bad after all.
But he's had his chance... now it's Samantha's turn to open her wings and soar to new heights. It's her chance to blossom and become. It's her turn to be incredible and smile to a world that had never seen how beautiful her smile and twinkling eyes can be,
And just that little span of time made me very happy!!
Of course, it's been no easy ride for my own inner self either.
I lived for so long feeling I was different, weird, strange. I figured I was sick and demented, even though I seemed to be pretty smart, show some aptitude for music and writing, feeling like perhaps I was just a little off. Now I'll tell you something. I didn't have the best childhood. I had parents that were pretty distant to my feelings and I often felt like I was hiding away all those moments when I wanted to cry. My father was worse because he "didn't like little kids". He has admitted that. He now will remind me that "we enjoy seeing you and want you to spend more time visitng us" but yet I did not get the same when I was a kid. Concerts, plays, even just going out to play catch would have been nice. Instead he'd just snarl and stomp off like a 5 year old. It was very cruel to my sensitive young persona, a persona I had not yet identified as being trans. I was feminine inside, I just could not express it at all. So there's the biggest hurdle I've had to face.
I don't want to wallow in that s*** and become depressed over it. Nah, not worth it. It's funny now I've got the control over visiting and it's plain to me that my friends are important to my growth as a person, not someone who once told me "children should be seen and not heard." Yeah... that s*** is still there, it still hurts me inside. It hurts my inner child.
So let's escape that drudgery, shall we? Once my inner child was soothed by knowing who she was, silently sitting there in the corner waiting in her cute little dress quietly whispering in my ear how she wanted to come out, how she wanted to play. But of course the years of being silenced had a hard toll on me... they left me fighting someone I should have embraced, I should have deeply loved... myself.
The truth was that no matter how I saw myself, I feared and hated it. I caught a glimpse of myself in panties and a slip and was like 'what the f*** is the matter with me? Why am I doing this?" But... I could NOT stop. At first it was a thrill, a bit of an escape and being someone else... she had a name, at first she was simply 'Freedom'. She looked like me but she was female, she had a better upbringing, she had a spark of life in her eyes and liked to smile and have her picture taken even. She was about the polar opposite of that 'guy'.
Years went by and I still just dabbled, my toes barely moist despite the vast ocean in front of me. I was afraid to get wet, to splash and play, but I did not stop either. It was too much to bear being away from her for long. She was always there, quietly nagging at me, quietly pushing me to put on a couple of women's items and feel good about myself.
I lived with a new fear, that someone would know, they would see me and ridicule me. Someone who would drag my inner woman out and rip her apart. My first time actually 'out' I was a different person. I started to smile more, I started to sit and chat with others like me. I'd found a safe haven to talk to other people who are just like me! And then the sky cleared and the sun began to shine when I met some of these wonderful people. They are the best friends anyone could have.
So this weekend I just put some clothes in a bag, drove away to seclusion and once I got the basics settled, I was modelling a skirt, two new blouses and snapping photos of myself non-stop. That 'guy' was totally absent. I sipped on some wine, put on my favorite mini and chatted with my lovely dear friends. It was so easy to go right into female mode. So natural.
If people ask me what made me realize I was transgendered, it was the fact that happiness comes so easy to me when I am out (even if in a secluded spot) able to wear what I want and be who I want. I don't want the Universe, I just would like respect. I'm no sex object, I don't have the body of a supermodel. But for years I felt ashamed of myself and my body. Now I look at Samantha, she smiles back at me. Her smile comes immediately. She doesn't need to be afraid of who she is. If you read this and understand (some of you will easily) then understand this about me as well:
Samantha is me and she is all I am.
She's survived with me all these years and now as she emerges, finally, the air feels different, the light seems brighter and the future a little less depressing. Samantha is no longer that girl waiting meekly in the back and the shadows. She is becoming more and more open, more and more accepting of her true feelings. The 'guy' is happy to let her come out. Maybe that guy isn't so bad after all.
But he's had his chance... now it's Samantha's turn to open her wings and soar to new heights. It's her chance to blossom and become. It's her turn to be incredible and smile to a world that had never seen how beautiful her smile and twinkling eyes can be,
And just that little span of time made me very happy!!
Saturday, July 2, 2011
I feel like Darth Vader...yet I look like Yoda...please explain! :)
My friends talk of being zapped
lasers and all that...
It's all I can wonder is this real?
Or is it some other past?
They talk of lasers and being punished
like it is some bad thing
to clear the face of every trace
is quite all right by me!
There's a lot of truth in traces
and the feeling we see
in other's faces
but so much of me is here
and so much of me is inside what you see!
So though we are always wondering
we are always finding
ways to move forward
ways to reverse the fears
and ways to move on ahead!
For two genders diverged in a yellow wood
sadly I could not travel either
but the one I choose
makes me feel loose
and opens my mind to the blue yonder!
As the Goddess smiles and makes me aware
so I feel it is my place
to be here
and be myself
and let my hair down and be me!!
What would fortunes be without animosity?
Would they be currents
or else some strange being
that being odd scribes
a circle of longing dignity?
What do we see when we wait
and hope for the very best?
Is it much more
Than evening the score?
And is it something to newly admire?
So though the paths may twist and turn
Our paths may make a one-eighty...
We are all prisoners
Until we set ourselves free
And... THAT...will last an eternity!!
lasers and all that...
It's all I can wonder is this real?
Or is it some other past?
They talk of lasers and being punished
like it is some bad thing
to clear the face of every trace
is quite all right by me!
There's a lot of truth in traces
and the feeling we see
in other's faces
but so much of me is here
and so much of me is inside what you see!
So though we are always wondering
we are always finding
ways to move forward
ways to reverse the fears
and ways to move on ahead!
For two genders diverged in a yellow wood
sadly I could not travel either
but the one I choose
makes me feel loose
and opens my mind to the blue yonder!
As the Goddess smiles and makes me aware
so I feel it is my place
to be here
and be myself
and let my hair down and be me!!
What would fortunes be without animosity?
Would they be currents
or else some strange being
that being odd scribes
a circle of longing dignity?
What do we see when we wait
and hope for the very best?
Is it much more
Than evening the score?
And is it something to newly admire?
So though the paths may twist and turn
Our paths may make a one-eighty...
We are all prisoners
Until we set ourselves free
And... THAT...will last an eternity!!
Saturday, May 21, 2011
The Day After....
So there's this cool dawn light that strikes after the supposed apocalypse. It's a bit odd. There's something about opening the doors to the Bastille after all the prisoners have escaped. It's a sense of irony.
Pardon any ramblings, I have been a bit under the weather...
Some have said today marked the end of days. But so far I guess that's been a bit of a disappointment. Oh well... I guess that's the way things go. But it gave me pause to share some thoughts on something deeper.
Space has the ability to rip itself and repair itself, it's part of the supersymmetric string theory. Stuff like that has always captured my thoughts.
You can read more about it here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Superstring_theory
You might ask why I am writing about this... what does it have to do with transgender, life, etc.? Well, more than you might suspect.
First let's take the element of our society that allow us to live in ignorance and fear. Being transgender means that girls, like me, must strive to work three times as hard to get even with people considered 'normal'. I am not "normal", but I am a real, legitamite human being.
But it's part of the greater mystery. As strings may explain and evolve the ultimate framework of our Universe, so the steps I begin to take will define who I am inside and make me whole. It's the steps I need to take. Physicists will tell you they need all sorts of experimental data to prove the Big Bang, the quantum theory, string theory, etc. I don't need so much 'data' but I need to be awakened really. Awakening is life and life begins when you can open up about being trans.
It's not about an open book you can just peek into and get the answers, but the answers are out there. It's not the feelings you hide away, it's the feelings you let go. It's about the sure feelings that will open you up, guide you and deliver you from feeling bad about yourself or who you are becoming.
I had a talk with a friend some short while ago and she convinced me to try dressing in girl jeans around my family. I decided that life is too short to waste waiting on the right moment and the right time. I have to give it a try once and well, what if it backfires?
So I tried and failed... I only failed them, not me. The theory of me still rings true. If I am pushed away and rejected I have me...and my friends...to guide me through. Will it hurt? Sure! Will it have consequences? Possibly. Will it redefine me? Yes!! Because I will not be living in the shadows and lying about me and who I am. I will not be dancing away from my true and inner self.
So it is with strings. They are miniscule, harbingers of multiple dimensions and so I am a harbinger of so many more dimensions to myself as well. It's who I am. Am I tightly wrapped knot of complex dimensions perhaps never to be seen?
Perhaps I am... it's hard to say. Bon Jovi said "I just want to live while I'm alive" and "this is for those who stood their ground" and I have to agree. This is the now and we have that now to propel us forward. Unwinding Samantha is like figuring out strings. It takes a lot of work but it will move me forward.
She is worthy of your friendship because she admires life and friendship and above all she is a friend to those who show her friendship. She is, I think, a worthy girl to know and be friends with. She respects life and humanity. She is above all that nonsensical hate and bigotry. Samantha is the most human being I know.
And yet she's still a recluse. Let me describe: There was a time a while ago when she was tied into a life she hated, being a recluse and ashamed of who she was. Like she was tied to all these hidden dimensions that didn't have much realistic meaning. So she liked female clothes, what did that really mean? She was trapped in the eye of her desire for something she never really realized was out there. She was trapped inside an existence she couldn't really comprehend. She was way out there and there was no way home.
Until one day...
Once upon a time, in the dawn of a transgendered woman's journey (cue Also Sprach Zarathrusta) she made a discovery. She could go to certain places and be happy and meet people who accepted her. She could meet new friends that would inspire her and help her to new heights. I guess she could say she was learning her 'grand unified theory' and she was becoming one.
Like the equations, nothing is ever easy or clear cut. Not everything is written in the stars. But maybe everything is written in our essential matter.
Was she real? Was she whole? In fact, just who was she?
In truth she was a scared little girl, afraid of what the larger Universe might throw at her and how it might end her life. Some have written how being unsure of yourself is unreal, unforgiving and wrong. I doubt there's any of us that have ever gone through life without some doubt, some anxiety, some angst. It's there amongst us, like the jeweled stars scattered across the velvet night.
Now it's a new day and the stars are put away for the night. It's time to awaken to your sense of personal enlightenment. It's your life to live - in the real world and among others who may or may not feel as you do. It's a tough battle to face.
There's this thunderous noise like the applause after hearing a beautifully played piece of music, it's almost deafening. It's the sound of all your thoughts finally settling a little and behaving themselves. It's the sound of a small step towards personal freedom.
The cold light of day is one thing, the hiding away is another. It's not who we should be. We should never have to accept living in fear and hiding away. We should never have to sacrifice our personal well being to be who we are. We should never appeal to insanity to save us. It's not what we are, nor who we should aspire to be.
There's an island, or a world, somewhere where we can exist without fear and without trepidation. It's a long shot to get there, but maybe we will, eventually, get there and find some peace and solace.
It's what I am hoping for. Maybe the superstring theory can make it more of a reality than just hoping and waiting. Maybe...
Peace out sisters! ♥ & hugs!! ~Samantha~
Pardon any ramblings, I have been a bit under the weather...
Some have said today marked the end of days. But so far I guess that's been a bit of a disappointment. Oh well... I guess that's the way things go. But it gave me pause to share some thoughts on something deeper.
Space has the ability to rip itself and repair itself, it's part of the supersymmetric string theory. Stuff like that has always captured my thoughts.
You can read more about it here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Superstring_theory
You might ask why I am writing about this... what does it have to do with transgender, life, etc.? Well, more than you might suspect.
First let's take the element of our society that allow us to live in ignorance and fear. Being transgender means that girls, like me, must strive to work three times as hard to get even with people considered 'normal'. I am not "normal", but I am a real, legitamite human being.
But it's part of the greater mystery. As strings may explain and evolve the ultimate framework of our Universe, so the steps I begin to take will define who I am inside and make me whole. It's the steps I need to take. Physicists will tell you they need all sorts of experimental data to prove the Big Bang, the quantum theory, string theory, etc. I don't need so much 'data' but I need to be awakened really. Awakening is life and life begins when you can open up about being trans.
It's not about an open book you can just peek into and get the answers, but the answers are out there. It's not the feelings you hide away, it's the feelings you let go. It's about the sure feelings that will open you up, guide you and deliver you from feeling bad about yourself or who you are becoming.
I had a talk with a friend some short while ago and she convinced me to try dressing in girl jeans around my family. I decided that life is too short to waste waiting on the right moment and the right time. I have to give it a try once and well, what if it backfires?
So I tried and failed... I only failed them, not me. The theory of me still rings true. If I am pushed away and rejected I have me...and my friends...to guide me through. Will it hurt? Sure! Will it have consequences? Possibly. Will it redefine me? Yes!! Because I will not be living in the shadows and lying about me and who I am. I will not be dancing away from my true and inner self.
So it is with strings. They are miniscule, harbingers of multiple dimensions and so I am a harbinger of so many more dimensions to myself as well. It's who I am. Am I tightly wrapped knot of complex dimensions perhaps never to be seen?
Perhaps I am... it's hard to say. Bon Jovi said "I just want to live while I'm alive" and "this is for those who stood their ground" and I have to agree. This is the now and we have that now to propel us forward. Unwinding Samantha is like figuring out strings. It takes a lot of work but it will move me forward.
She is worthy of your friendship because she admires life and friendship and above all she is a friend to those who show her friendship. She is, I think, a worthy girl to know and be friends with. She respects life and humanity. She is above all that nonsensical hate and bigotry. Samantha is the most human being I know.
And yet she's still a recluse. Let me describe: There was a time a while ago when she was tied into a life she hated, being a recluse and ashamed of who she was. Like she was tied to all these hidden dimensions that didn't have much realistic meaning. So she liked female clothes, what did that really mean? She was trapped in the eye of her desire for something she never really realized was out there. She was trapped inside an existence she couldn't really comprehend. She was way out there and there was no way home.
Until one day...
Once upon a time, in the dawn of a transgendered woman's journey (cue Also Sprach Zarathrusta) she made a discovery. She could go to certain places and be happy and meet people who accepted her. She could meet new friends that would inspire her and help her to new heights. I guess she could say she was learning her 'grand unified theory' and she was becoming one.
Like the equations, nothing is ever easy or clear cut. Not everything is written in the stars. But maybe everything is written in our essential matter.
Was she real? Was she whole? In fact, just who was she?
In truth she was a scared little girl, afraid of what the larger Universe might throw at her and how it might end her life. Some have written how being unsure of yourself is unreal, unforgiving and wrong. I doubt there's any of us that have ever gone through life without some doubt, some anxiety, some angst. It's there amongst us, like the jeweled stars scattered across the velvet night.
Now it's a new day and the stars are put away for the night. It's time to awaken to your sense of personal enlightenment. It's your life to live - in the real world and among others who may or may not feel as you do. It's a tough battle to face.
There's this thunderous noise like the applause after hearing a beautifully played piece of music, it's almost deafening. It's the sound of all your thoughts finally settling a little and behaving themselves. It's the sound of a small step towards personal freedom.
The cold light of day is one thing, the hiding away is another. It's not who we should be. We should never have to accept living in fear and hiding away. We should never have to sacrifice our personal well being to be who we are. We should never appeal to insanity to save us. It's not what we are, nor who we should aspire to be.
There's an island, or a world, somewhere where we can exist without fear and without trepidation. It's a long shot to get there, but maybe we will, eventually, get there and find some peace and solace.
It's what I am hoping for. Maybe the superstring theory can make it more of a reality than just hoping and waiting. Maybe...
Peace out sisters! ♥ & hugs!! ~Samantha~
Friday, May 20, 2011
Last Night of the World
So my friend Julie writes a post about the Ray Bradbury story 'Last Night of the World'. It caused me to do a lot of thinking, pondering and considering...what WOULD I do if this was the last day of the world?
I guess the most important thing in the whole scheme of what I would do is to first of all, just be me. I'm sure there would be blind panic, people rushing to be with their loved ones, family, partners, whomever they were close with. I'd have to just say that I'd need to take my time to put on my favorite top, corset, skirt and shoes and just go out. I'd probably call my sibling and tell them who I am, deep down. I would probably go to my parents as well. I'd come out knowing that tomorrow we'd not be here. Then I'd try to make it to my friends just because they have been the more wonderfully supportive people you can even know. Sadly I wouldn't be able to visit every one of them. :(
Of course that begets the question: what if it didn't happen?
If science can prove one thing, it can also prove others. There's that moment when things go from climactic panic to somber peace. When things arise in a new day and you take your first gasp of that stinging bitter cold air.
It would be a harsh thing to wake up expecting to be gone and you're still there. Maybe your makeup is slightly smeared from just not wanting to take it off, you might have a run in your pantyhose and hair's a mess. So be it. You are alive to take that gasp of air. The world is still there. Somehow it gives you a cheek-flushing moment: coming out was not the end of the world.
You know you have to face things differently in that case but you can face them with less fear than the hiding has filled you up with. You have less anxiety because you did something on your own that you can live with. You have to live with it. Perhaps you come to accept that as yourself, now the world knows you and you have to deal with that.
And one thing is for certain though, if it were, truly, the end of the world; as me I would be able to at least go dressed softly but to kill, showing off a little leg and being able to know that no matter how unhappy or fearful I have been in life, I am not living in that fear anymore. I have been released and emancipated from the self-imposed jail of fear I had given me.
The prison we sometimes lock ourselves in can be a damning place... worse than anything else you've imagined. There's a supreme beauty in being open about ourselves and living to accept that. I have cracked the walls of that prison but a full jailbreak hasn't happened. It's nice to see little glimmers of hope and dignity, of a happier and more self-assured woman within, dying to let her wings spread and her future to be in control of everything. She has the ways, the means and the power and with acceptance she can even learn the art of being happy.
Julie made me think of the book and think about what I would do if that was really the case. You know I'd never really thought this way before. Way way back in my space-faring days (yeah...right...LOL) I would consider such things but not in this way. Now it's different because, well, life changes the more you interact with it. Back then, I would hide a few pieces of clothes away because I was ashamed, alone and it felt to me like if anyone knew what was going on, it would be the end of the world... at least the end of MY world.
But as I grew older, grew wiser (perhaps) and grew out of that fearful shell I have found that it's now not a few items I fear to have found, I have more girl's clothes of all shapes and sizes, enough panties to keep myself happy for a month with a different style & color and a collection of accessories, makeup, brushes, etc. I am always happy to shop but I am more happy just to have the times I get to be me. That's such a good feeling.
Coming out is still a ways off for me - but I have the fear less and less, the uncertainty is less because I am more open about who I am and have gone out to where people truly care about each other and their friends. They inspire me to create new looks for myself, new fashions, even my first ever complete makeover (OMG I so want an airbrush for applying foundation...they are so cool!!)
So that being said, my last night of the world would be a rocking party. Samantha's time to shine because, let's be honest, she deserves it after being shut away in shame for so long!!
Peace & love sisters - and big hugs to all of you friends out there!
I guess the most important thing in the whole scheme of what I would do is to first of all, just be me. I'm sure there would be blind panic, people rushing to be with their loved ones, family, partners, whomever they were close with. I'd have to just say that I'd need to take my time to put on my favorite top, corset, skirt and shoes and just go out. I'd probably call my sibling and tell them who I am, deep down. I would probably go to my parents as well. I'd come out knowing that tomorrow we'd not be here. Then I'd try to make it to my friends just because they have been the more wonderfully supportive people you can even know. Sadly I wouldn't be able to visit every one of them. :(
Of course that begets the question: what if it didn't happen?
If science can prove one thing, it can also prove others. There's that moment when things go from climactic panic to somber peace. When things arise in a new day and you take your first gasp of that stinging bitter cold air.
It would be a harsh thing to wake up expecting to be gone and you're still there. Maybe your makeup is slightly smeared from just not wanting to take it off, you might have a run in your pantyhose and hair's a mess. So be it. You are alive to take that gasp of air. The world is still there. Somehow it gives you a cheek-flushing moment: coming out was not the end of the world.
You know you have to face things differently in that case but you can face them with less fear than the hiding has filled you up with. You have less anxiety because you did something on your own that you can live with. You have to live with it. Perhaps you come to accept that as yourself, now the world knows you and you have to deal with that.
And one thing is for certain though, if it were, truly, the end of the world; as me I would be able to at least go dressed softly but to kill, showing off a little leg and being able to know that no matter how unhappy or fearful I have been in life, I am not living in that fear anymore. I have been released and emancipated from the self-imposed jail of fear I had given me.
The prison we sometimes lock ourselves in can be a damning place... worse than anything else you've imagined. There's a supreme beauty in being open about ourselves and living to accept that. I have cracked the walls of that prison but a full jailbreak hasn't happened. It's nice to see little glimmers of hope and dignity, of a happier and more self-assured woman within, dying to let her wings spread and her future to be in control of everything. She has the ways, the means and the power and with acceptance she can even learn the art of being happy.
Julie made me think of the book and think about what I would do if that was really the case. You know I'd never really thought this way before. Way way back in my space-faring days (yeah...right...LOL) I would consider such things but not in this way. Now it's different because, well, life changes the more you interact with it. Back then, I would hide a few pieces of clothes away because I was ashamed, alone and it felt to me like if anyone knew what was going on, it would be the end of the world... at least the end of MY world.
But as I grew older, grew wiser (perhaps) and grew out of that fearful shell I have found that it's now not a few items I fear to have found, I have more girl's clothes of all shapes and sizes, enough panties to keep myself happy for a month with a different style & color and a collection of accessories, makeup, brushes, etc. I am always happy to shop but I am more happy just to have the times I get to be me. That's such a good feeling.
Coming out is still a ways off for me - but I have the fear less and less, the uncertainty is less because I am more open about who I am and have gone out to where people truly care about each other and their friends. They inspire me to create new looks for myself, new fashions, even my first ever complete makeover (OMG I so want an airbrush for applying foundation...they are so cool!!)
So that being said, my last night of the world would be a rocking party. Samantha's time to shine because, let's be honest, she deserves it after being shut away in shame for so long!!
Peace & love sisters - and big hugs to all of you friends out there!
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Past Lives Flashing...?
About 2 weeks ago I had this semi-conscious dream - well, I am not sure it was a dream. I opened my eyes to snooze the alarm and as I drifted off into a semi-sleepy state I had this brazen vision.
It was very simple. In my eyes I saw a rapid succession of male faces almost as if they were prior lives. This succession continued for a bit (how long I can't really tell you) but as the alarm went off again the last 'face' I saw was of a young woman.
Now that brings me to two questions: First, was it my past lives flashing before me and showing me what was what? Or was it just a semi-lucid dream? I know I wasn't dreaming in the true sense as I could still feel some physical sensations.
Was it my transgnder being trying to make me 'wake up' and be seen? Was it my mind trying to identify with what I was feeling? Or was I just in the half-dreamland and it was all my imagination?
Since I was somewhat aware, and not totally up on brain physiognomy, I might mis-identify this but it sure was comforting and REAL to me. I had a 'moment', I guess.
It seemed to me as if a succession of male persona's were appearing, ghostly and ethereal, but appearing nonetheless. as parts of me. Some wore mustaches and beards. But the last was a deliciously smooth-skinned girl, very different because she was so tender, so smooth and so pretty.
Was it my mind trying to tell me I was a succession of male ideas but the last idea was that the woman was there all along? Was it just my addled, confused mind in a semi-conscious stupor that said one thing and portrayed another? Was it me seeing something I am not?
Now the womanly image that appeared was nothing like me, dark hair with rounded cheeks, a slightly diamond shaped face and a very youthful appearance. Much younger than I am :(
Was this pretty woman me in a past life? Why would I see a succession of male faces and then hers for no reason. It wasn't a dream, not totally, since I was partially conscious and aware of it. Perhaps it was a dream...who is to say? The girl at the end was unique, she was unlike the male faces that had proceeded her, she was very feminine and mysterious despite she was the last 'face' I saw. I felt she was the most real to me, some semblance of what the real me could be.
But I would say she is 100 times better looking and a million times more passable.
But who is she?
Scientists reckon situations like this as ways for our subconscious to have a voice, to air it's "dirty laundry". Was my inner mind airing that after a string of male 'ideals' the last was totally and truly female? Or was it that I was just seeking some validity, some truth to life that would make me slightly more 'acceptable'?
It's not really for me to truthfully say. Things move so fast sometimes, you imagine that one thing is happening so slowly that when the rapid things happen your mind is ablaze and can't quite come to grips with things... Am I a woman who dreamed she was a man, or a man who dreamed she was a woman? Since going out more and more, I have had more and more lucid dreams, and more and more times I sensed that inner conflict being resolved in a feminine way...
At least when I woke up I still knew who I was! :)
It was very simple. In my eyes I saw a rapid succession of male faces almost as if they were prior lives. This succession continued for a bit (how long I can't really tell you) but as the alarm went off again the last 'face' I saw was of a young woman.
Now that brings me to two questions: First, was it my past lives flashing before me and showing me what was what? Or was it just a semi-lucid dream? I know I wasn't dreaming in the true sense as I could still feel some physical sensations.
Was it my transgnder being trying to make me 'wake up' and be seen? Was it my mind trying to identify with what I was feeling? Or was I just in the half-dreamland and it was all my imagination?
Since I was somewhat aware, and not totally up on brain physiognomy, I might mis-identify this but it sure was comforting and REAL to me. I had a 'moment', I guess.
It seemed to me as if a succession of male persona's were appearing, ghostly and ethereal, but appearing nonetheless. as parts of me. Some wore mustaches and beards. But the last was a deliciously smooth-skinned girl, very different because she was so tender, so smooth and so pretty.
Was it my mind trying to tell me I was a succession of male ideas but the last idea was that the woman was there all along? Was it just my addled, confused mind in a semi-conscious stupor that said one thing and portrayed another? Was it me seeing something I am not?
Now the womanly image that appeared was nothing like me, dark hair with rounded cheeks, a slightly diamond shaped face and a very youthful appearance. Much younger than I am :(
Was this pretty woman me in a past life? Why would I see a succession of male faces and then hers for no reason. It wasn't a dream, not totally, since I was partially conscious and aware of it. Perhaps it was a dream...who is to say? The girl at the end was unique, she was unlike the male faces that had proceeded her, she was very feminine and mysterious despite she was the last 'face' I saw. I felt she was the most real to me, some semblance of what the real me could be.
But I would say she is 100 times better looking and a million times more passable.
But who is she?
Scientists reckon situations like this as ways for our subconscious to have a voice, to air it's "dirty laundry". Was my inner mind airing that after a string of male 'ideals' the last was totally and truly female? Or was it that I was just seeking some validity, some truth to life that would make me slightly more 'acceptable'?
It's not really for me to truthfully say. Things move so fast sometimes, you imagine that one thing is happening so slowly that when the rapid things happen your mind is ablaze and can't quite come to grips with things... Am I a woman who dreamed she was a man, or a man who dreamed she was a woman? Since going out more and more, I have had more and more lucid dreams, and more and more times I sensed that inner conflict being resolved in a feminine way...
At least when I woke up I still knew who I was! :)
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