Those Shoes...

Who doesn't love a new pair of shoes? Or maybe two? OK how about SIX?

Don Henley said it best when he said "What you gonna do with those shoes". I have some with those pretty little straps around my ankles. So what about those those x 6?

Over the past little bit I have been questioning ... a lot! But something always reigns me in, be it the voice of my friends or other avenues I seek, creativity and understanding are among them?

Has anyone heard about 'Princess Boy', the young child that wants to dress up like a girl and his mother lets him? She wrote a book about it. I have to ask this: many are angry she did this, they feel she is exploiting him and letting him be a target for future hateful/cruel remarks. What do you think?

For the record, what exactly does that have to do with my shoes? Well, twofold arguments can be made. First is the child's mom to blame if she does something most parents fail to do: she supports and tries to understand her child! She gets some merit in my book for that.

And if she, or indeed anyone who isn't expecting me to be transgendered would be surprised I am buying heels and women's shoes. Including a nice, comfy, pair of androgynous sneakers. I have hid and nibbled about for about 25 years. I have needs that I can't get off the Internet or from TV/movies.

It's about what gives you those thrills. Understand I am not in this for some sexual thrill. I am in this (and it is tough to be in but so, so satisfying when you are complete) to share something other than what we need, what we are looking for so, so, so bad.

My parents, I think, were born in the Middle Ages and have made numerous but pointed remarks about how they don't understand TG folks and what's more they think they are rejects.

I am that reject they can't open their minds too.

So why do I do it? It is because I am a rebel? Hmmmm maybe, but I know, deep-down, it is something else...

I want to feel accepted and whole. Not an outsider looking in and wondering what it would be like to be warm, remembered, not long-forgotten. I'd just like to look and feel ACCEPTED. That's all.

Is it wrong to want to feel like you belong...? Or to feel you are part of a greater whole? I sense a lot of doubt in my mind that it is, or ever will be, acceptable to take something sacred, like life and humanity, and reduce it to vulgar representations of what we should be, what others think we should be.

If I wear heels and nylons, skirts and eye shadow, should I be looked at any differently than you? After all, I also slide on jeans and a shirt. I just want to feel accepted, able and allowed into society. What does it matter if I prefer pantyhose over socks? If I like woman's shoes and heels over something male and plodding? If I want to feel a little more like how I want to feel when I am dressed up and out? I am not out to seek some favors or pass myself as something I am not. I am just your average, everyday girl who wants to be accepted as just being your average, everyday girl!

So with that we come to the age-old question... who is right and who is wrong. Am I wrong? If I am then I guess I don't want to be right, because my dear and wonderful friends have made me feel so uplifted, like I belong!! There's nothing more satisfying than that.

Belonging is the beginning of much of our truest and hugest greatness.

It's time to belong and also time to be great. Live life as you have imagined as Thoreau said. It's time we opened that avenue and expressed ourselves as we would want.

Raven hair and ruby lips...

Wooooohoooo...

OK it's a new year and time to make good on a few promises. One is to post more. I need to do this. I need to expose this fantastic lie and make it truth. I am just like you, I am as human as you think you are. If you are TG you have no fears. I mean those that don't like us. Hate us. Despise us.

So today I am thinking that time has come to let me out of the bad feelings bag. Time to be the woman I am...the woman you might see here soon.

Not that I am living a lie... by NO MEANS. I am just growing and transforming into a new spirit. That's what 2011 means to me... I am just floored by the facets I have to overcome, but those things I will, I shall, overcome!

"Dancing shadows...firelight..."

I like Goth expression because so many I have loved were Goth and treated me right. They proved that I was not alone. I finally started to see that I was not bound to anything. It's like I am "driving myself to madness with a silver spoon." I see that I can't really separate from the old boys network but I can try to divide it up as best I can.

As 2011 opens I see that I can open new avenues in my life and let me reiterate that will be something I aim for. I am growing and I need to grow beyond being just a mere girl. I NEED to be a WOMAN.

I am not forsaking what I knew, not forsaking who I was for something else. I am just trying to find my own voice here and now. I have this incessant need to pursue some ideal of being who I am... like a shadow cast upon the the darkness where no one can resolve it without some insight.

I am that insight. Trust me. It's a huge undertaking for me. But well needed.

I am that black cat, pussycat that torments your dreams, I am your sunlight when you open your mind and accept that I am just as fluid and genuine as you. I am your dark shade. I am your Mistress.

There is no escape from music, it is my love. No way I am looking to abandon it anyhow! It's going to grow with me and hopefully you will see it grow and get better. It's my art, and my joy. It's the glimmer of light that my life needs to go on.

So as I wrap this up I am feeling less black than before and I am growing. I am that woman you never saw yet has always been there. I am here, you are there and my spirit is growing...everywhere.

As long as my spirit grows it is OK with me. That is what I want! "She's a restless spirit on an endless flight"

That's me!

Happy New Year to all who are reading this!

One last hurrah to 2010

2010 was not a really great year. Nor good. Actually it was ho-hum. Nothing gripping.

Were there defining limits? Sure. I went out in real life and enjoyed the time. I got a superb makeover at Sephora. Did this girl a LOT of good. I was in my element because I was just ENJOYING myself. Being there with those that cared, loved and supported me was the ultimate treasure. Going shopping en femme was better than any gift I could have received. It was liberation because I WAS ME!!

So for one last hurrah I have a few things to relate:

1) New Years mean new avenues and I plan on writing more. A LOT more. I have been bad about updating this blog. That will change.

2) Getting out is no longer a what if it's a when do I? OK, life is not exactly a magic carpet ride for me, but it's there and I have to do what I can to eliminate that hardship. I need to get out more... it's no longer an option!

3) I have a few needs and those are these (yeah, seems odd to write that too!): Makeup- time to master this rather than hack at it. Dress sense- well that is OK so far but I am going to be a little more daring this year. Hair- got to get better at styling my hair. Got to be able to do what I want with this mop :)

4) Lastly comes the style. This year will see some Vickie... ahem, I mean Victorian Sam! Not Victorious (though that would also be nice)... VICTORIAN. A touch of extra Goth, time to let her shine through. Sam loves Victorian stuff, English stuff and above all just being her OWN girl!

So style, fear and exposure will all be changing, I hope, for me in 2011. I hope as you read this your 2011 is better than 2010. Or any other year. I am determined that 2011 is going to be the year of change, because no one can make the change happen EXCEPT me.

So go forth and have fun tonight, the last day of 2010. Enjoy the time and realize when you wake up tomorrow you have the rest of your life to look forward to.

It's the perfect recipe for the future and I hope it is perfect for you too!

~Samantha

Voices from Beyond...? Maybe just outstanding voices!

I can't tell you how I have opened up of late, there is always so much going on. Sometimes you get lost. Sometimes you just never know what will happen.

So today I got an unexpected treat, my dear friend Felicity wanted to call me all the way around from New Zealand. It was a real treat (yes, I babbled a bit, it was just great to talk to a sister). It was wonderful to hear her voice and talked about being out and about. It made me really proud.

I really need to use the blog to be a journal, it seems every day something new and wonderful happens and I can't stand not feeling like it's worth that extra special time to write about it.

We talked about what a wonderful time I had going to SCC and taking the train and relaxing. Going down was a real treat, going out as me was even more so. Twice! In addition I got into a really wonderful chat with a girl who loves writing music, we connected so well that we shared contact information. She is a real beauty with a lovely smile. And great knowledge of music.

So much happens nowadays and with the Internet and cell phones we are a global sisterhood really. You have no idea unless you join up, but joining up is so much fun. I had a terrific time with my friends out at SCC and then coming home and I have even more friends to converse with. This is just surreal.

So despite the depression that my friend in New Zealand was facing a Monday early AM (it was about 1:30 PM on Sunday here) I can't say enough about how wonderful it was to share voices and reality. Reality is often overrated and sometimes scary. I was a little afraid to pick up the phone and reveal me, but I did and I was so glad I did. My dear friend Felicity is a great person and so warm and her voice is so special. She is a really good friend of mine, no matter what the mileage is between us! Here's her blog: http://flicdoesusa2011.blogspot.com/

So hugs for all of you that reach out and welcome new sisters or just reach out and share time with someone new. It's a special treat, and for one this girl really appreciates it.

HUGS to all who share their lives and are open about it. You make the world go round and you are all very special!!

♥Samantha♥

SCC... One Incredible Journey

No one can tell the way things will go, but going to SCC surely changed a lot of ideas I had for a long time.

First, let me bring up the incredible friends I shared time with: Christen and Joanne, Jamie, Sarah Nicole, Marsha, Ar'lene, Erica Fields, Arjay, Kristy Dantes, Cranberry Kris, Vicki LaSalle, Gina, oh the list goes on and on!

I got an incredible makeover at Sephora in the Perimeter Mall, my first time 'out' as Samantha and Shaunda was an incredible artist. She got so many hugs and thanks from me. What a sweetheart! She even wrote makeup ideas down and gave them to me, something I never expected. OMG a total ally and friend. Look Shaunda up and get a makeover from her, she is AMAZING.

We also dined out with Jamie and Erica at Seasons 52 and had a great time and good food. We shared a lot of laughs (nothing beats Joanne and I in hysterical giggles as we'd look at one another and think 'is it live or is it Memorex') and cracking up. Joanne is such a sweetheart.

Spending time with Marsha was terrific. She pointed out to me how I needed to walk tall and be proud... I wasn't conscious of it, but there it was and I took her words to heart. I was glad to extend the offer to let her have a place to stay and be able to attend. Truly a wonderful friend.

I went out not once, not twice, but three times as me and that meant a lot. Other than the dude who said I had beautiful eyes and a pointy nose. I turned off on him immediately, but it was nice to be acknowledged. I also remember the laughter shared on the bus ride back and giggling over what happened. It was great.

Jamie was most generous and helpful as was Joanne and Christen. They helped me learn a lot and be more confident in my presentation, it certainly helped me hold my head up higher and be proud of who I am and what I have grown towards. Journeys are often muddled, but this one trip will be a bright spot in my life.

Thanks also to Kristy and CK for spending time with me. The forms are AWESOME ladies and they fit so wonderfully!!

We went to the mall on Saturday and I got a couple of looks, I looked people back in the eye, something I never do in 'guy' mode. I felt a mysterious mystique and walked taller, prouder, thanks to my lovely friends Christen and Joanne. We even spent time at Lush (oh the shopping list I have to acquire!) educating them on TG issues. I told Gina if you have a frame of reference and you try, you can open up to new possibilities. We were classy and dressed respectfully, something I VERY firmly believe in! We were ambassadors of TG class and pride. We were your women on the spot and we did not disappoint. I was so scared to go out in real life, but I did it and I am proud I did.

SCC was eye-opening and relaxing as well, we enjoyed great meals and hospitality on the train and nice touristy things on the side.

There are so many wonderful memories I will cherish but I think the truth is that the most cherished memory is me, out and about, interacting and learning, loving life and feeling pretty. For that is the most blessed memory of all.

I journaled about my days there and I will condense it into a blog at some point, but I have to say that I loved being OUT at SCC, and my closest and most dear friends helped me in immeasurable ways. I am glad I went, I am happy to have been out and I learned so much about who Samantha is and what she is capable of.

Joanne is an incredible makeup artist and such a sweet friend. She and Christen are terrific friends and such wonderful support for us all. I am proud to have spent so much time with them and I DEFINITELY learned a LOT!!!

Look out world!!!

HUGS to all!!

Lament

I learned early this morning that my good friend Stephanie had passed on a victim of a massive heart attack.

She was 38.

She was just about my age.

And now she's gone. But you know what? I cherish the words we shared, the thoughts we tried to link to and the support, despite her almost overwhelming difficulties, that she gave to me. She wanted me to go on and I know, out there, she still does.

Stephanie, I will always love you, girl. You are a wonderful soul and you will always be my friend. She and I spoke tonight, her soul was the breeze and she answered my longings. She will always be there.

Godspeed you to Heaven, my lovely friend, for you deserve no less!

Layering

Of late I have been researching more and more on the layered effect. That is, taking a sleeveless tank with a low neckline and combining it with a short sleeve top. It creates a really nice effect, though of course, I need more 'real estate' to help the effect, nevertheless it is a great look, simple and elegant.

This is something like what I mean.

The keys I have found are to create contrast, for example note the green while the under layer is a simple gray. You want to keep the contrast in order to look really sharp, but the best news is, you really don't need to spend a lot to get the same effect. It's also stylish and gets you noticed.

Floral prints work too, just don't wear both at the same time. If you have a floral or patterned top, combine it with a plain color that works best with your skin tone or helps to draw out the best colors in the top. Also, make sure that the hem of the bottom shirt does not exceed the hem of the top. This would look awkward, unless of course, you are trying to create an effect in which case it's OK. :)

The thing about fashion is that everyone starts somewhere and moves with it. You don't need to be a diva and you don't have to follow every trend. Find something that you love and that works for you and you have it made. I really like this effect and it can look really good and feminine with little money spent.

Many times what is old becomes new again and fashion trends change. Just look at prior seasons attire (old catalogs, Google searches, etc.). For example, one shoulder exposed was big back in the eighties and it's starting to come back around now. It's always been there and you can always dig through your old clothes that you just couldn't throw away, and with a little work you're back at it. I fully expect that banana clips will come back too (not that I have one but growing up seeing them everywhere sort of endeared them to me). If I grew up in the era of the mini no doubt I would...nah wait I love minis too. I guess I invalidated my own argument. :)

But seriously, the truth is that you make your own statements about who you are. This outfit is a lot like me, a little daring and risque, a lot of it just is a simple comfort statement. I am confident that your decisions and confidence will create a new look for yourself. Mix and match and find what works best for you. I am finding my way, finding out more about who I am and I who I want to become.

Sisters, until next time, vive la fashionne! :)