A week ago, I was feeling pretty bleak. Miserable. I had spent time away which usually is a good thing. I was out with family and they 'clocked' a TG girl at a club we were at. I felt very small and uncomfortable. Truth be told, I felt like I was in her heels and I was getting clocked. I felt miserable thinking 'is that all anyone will ever see in me?'
Now a week later, despite the bleakness of the date today, I am back up and feeling happy again. I put it down to one word: FRIENDS.
It's a wonderful, enlightening thing to know people who pull out all the stops when you feel low and raise your spirits. Your self-awareness and self-acceptance should be top of the list. Don't criticize yourself like you may want to do. Instead ask 'what is good about me that I can make better?'. It's tough but until you start coming out to YOURSELF, you'll never be able to come out to others with confidence.
One of my friends reached out telling me I was her ray of sunshine... waking up with a muddled and hazy mind at 5 AM will do that to you...but as soon as I saw that message, I began to perk right up and glow. I didn't even need coffee!! After that as more friends talked to me, I began to see the bigger issue. It wasn't me that was at fault, but I WAS projecting that fault onto others and focusing it back to me. I was shutting Samantha away because I wasn't seeing what I wanted to see. It's a long story, but one most TG folks can attest to.
Suddenly I wanted to get back at it... I didn't want to be shut away like I was trying to convince myself. I felt there was a tremendous rush, like watching an 'It Gets Better' video and identifying with the messages of hope and support. I was still feeling a little trapped, but as the time went along I got more at ease with my own steps. I wanted to get dressed up, do my hair and try out new outfits. I went from being a recluse hating what I was to a girl who was starting to learn to accept herself. And love the fact that she had an incredibly long but ultimately fulfilling journey ahead of her. It was all on me now... and I was going to take it and run.
I have to say that without my friends backing me and showing an outpouring of love I might never have turned it around as I did. They knew that for me to throw away such freedoms and go back to being shackled to the old self was going to be self-destructive to me. And they were right. I realized all I was doing was hurting myself by not seeing a larger acceptance and larger possibilities I could not predict but I knew they were there the instant I felt them.
Sure, I have a long ways to go...don't we all? But once I started to open up and realize who I should be is better than who I am lying to myself that I am, all became much clearer and much more positive.
I LOVE my friends. This world would indeed be a bleak place without them. :)
