I used to hate having photos taken of me, because I was so hard on myself. After all I wasn't the lady-killer growing up, rather shy and awkward talking to new people.
Ever since I started to open my inner doors to let out the woman within, things took a different spin. I started to feel more confident in who I was, even if I didn't understand why or what the reasons were for my actions. After all, putting on girls clothes was so different and back then, there was no Internet to speak of where you could research and find out about things and discover that I wasn't the only one who felt like this. I started to like to take pictures of me, albeit limited.
Truth of the matter was that I was just starting on my journey, a journey of exploration and finding out more about me.
But it always came back to being hard on myself. I loved the feeling of wearing girls clothes and imaging myself female. I used to not want to look into the mirror because I knew what I would see, a guy in some lingerie or a pretty skirt. It wasn't how I perceived myself so I pushed it back.
Later as I got more settled in life, after months of hiding the clothing away and hoping to leave it for good, I came across the clothing and in one rush, those feelings roared back and I was wearing panties again. I felt bad because I still didn't want to see that 'guy' in the mirror and I resisted trying to tell myself reality was anything different.
Years later I sort of revived my feelings more actively and started to expand my severely drought-ridden wardrobe. As I got more and more time to be dressed, I felt less an less like the ugly guy and more like a woman emerging from a chrysalis. I started to smile more, started to hold my head up higher, started to observe others and how they act. I am generally pretty patient so I knew if I took my time I would get more our of it that rushing into any decisions.
Still I didn't have a lot of resources and in general, despite how good I felt about myself, I never got over those troubled feelings of youth. Then I met a woman who appreciated me and liked me. She went so far as to take my guy underwear and toss it out a window so I had to wear her yummy panties home. She made me feel special about myself, and despite having lost touch with her, I still hold a special place for her in my heart.
Fast forward again to July of last year. As I had grown, I became more and more at ease with being feminine and finding my way. Then I discovered this growing website called
I have more friends on <..> than I do in real life, I mean *friends* not just people I heard about, etc. Special jewels like Christen, Joanne, Erica, Chloe, Lana, Susan, Christina...the list goes on and on. They made me feel so special and wanted at First Event. The future looks pretty bright and for my first time out, I didn't too all that bad.
Initially I was still pretty harsh on myself - old feelings die hard. But after being out, realizing I was just, really, starting a new journey and I couldn't expect to be perfect, or even pretty good, without practice and pride! But I held my head up high and looked other girls in the eye, I felt more confidence than I had ever done before. It was revealing!
Now I have some ideas where the road may lead and I am weighing my options and decisions. It's a hard road there's no doubt of that.It's tough and yet it's tender.
My advice: no one is perfect and no one can just magically transform (OK, I can dream...:) ) into the beautiful person they want to be. But here's my advice to everyone: Embrace your individuality and don't be so hard on yourself!
We're all in a similar boat, really. We're all waiting for that magical moment. So don't be too hard and too critical, everyone has a different pace, a different angle. But we are ALL beautiful inside!
And now I am always taking pics of me, and smiling...so embrace yourselves and your true colors...sisters, you are all beautiful!!
HUGS!
